We big-boobed girls may not be starving or living in squalor, but we think we’re justified in doing a little whining. According to members of the opposite sex we’re blessed but we’re just not feeling it. As far as we’re concerned those overly large breasts are more of a hindrance than anything else. That’s why I’m here to say that those slow-motion shots of the babes on Baywatch are a lie, and here’s why:
1. No one understands why you want a breast reduction.
“Why would you want to make them smaller? I wish mine were bigger,” says anyone not facing the burden of back pain or becoming the hunchback of Notre Damn.
2. Hugs have the potential to be vaguely pornographic.
Don’t get the wrong idea, but we’re not pushing our boobs against you as a sexual innuendo, we just can’t help it. Hugs with friends, or worse yet, creepy Uncles can get real awkward really quickly.
3. Boob sweat is real.
Underarm sweat’s got nothing on that sleek patch that forms between your chest the minute it’s hot out. Taking off a sports bra is like tipping a bottle of water down your top, and don’t even get us started on the awkward smell oozing from your privates.
4. Underwire is a necessary evil.
We need it for lower bust support, but why must it always burst out of the seams? That uncomfortable scratching and cutting feeling is all too normal for us.
5. Bras are made to size, but button-up shirts are not.
Button-up shirts may seem like a conservative choice of attire. In theory they are, just not in reality.
6. Built-in bras are less than useless.
Seriously what good are they? If you have anything that remotely resembles big boobs you will know that built in bras do nothing except make it seem like you aged 20 years overnight.
7. All your food gets lost down your top.
When was the last time you ate potato chips outside the safety of your own home? The answer leaves tumble weed rolling through your brain. Your eating habits start shaping into the whole ‘1 for me, 1 for my chest’ scenario.
8. Those cup sizes are ridiculous.
If you burned your bra, you’d see the smoke in Baltimore. Seriously, cup sizes don’t stop at “D,” making bra shopping a little intimidating. We wish we could just walk into any retail outlet and grab a bra of the shelf, but too often we’re faced with dozens of C cups and no DDDs.
9. Our clothing choices are minimal.
A sleek, backless dress screams “risky business” more than Tom Cruise, but loose-fitting shapes make you look like you gained 10 pounds. Long story short, these looks are far from pretty.