An Open Letter To My Present Self

Dear Present Me,

You are very stubborn and headstrong. Although you ask for other people’s advice, you do not listen. You respect it but in the end you always do what you want. You like to learn the hard way.

But that is also your best personality trait. You fight for what you want and never surrender until the very end, and even then you still find it hard to let go.
I have never known a person who after being heartbroken time and time again, would not give up on love altogether. Yet you are still hopeful that prince charming or mr right will one day arrive. Even though at the back of your mind you aren’t so sure. Deep inside there is still that glimmer of hope that you hold on to.
You love like no other.

When you are in love that is it. No one else exists except the two of you. You see the beauty in everything. That is love. I know you love him with everything you had. You defied your family, your friends and beliefs to protect him. Although in retrospect that is admirable, deep inside you knew that it was not right. He didnt ask you to. He didn’t have to. With you there is no need to ask. You just do it. It’s very simple. You do it because you love him. But in doing so, you lost yourself in the process. What was important to you no longer became important. He became the most important person to you.

But ask yourself this – Did he do that same for you? Did you receive the same unconditional love you freely gave to him? Just think about it.

But I know you. You will defend him even if you know he is wrong. You will justify his actions to protect him. It doesn’t have to be the material things you can give a person, nor the places you can take them. Rather, its the reassurance that when your world is crumbling and falling apart around you, they are there beside you, holding your hand and saying – we can get through this together.

At his darkest moment, without a second thought you dropped everything and stopped your life, bought the first ticket out just to be with him. Even though, you had no idea where you were going to get the money from. But somehow you found a way. Without a shadow of a doubt you would do it again in a heartbeat. That is true love. It’s like that saying – if you really love someone you find a way, if you don’t there are so many excuses. It’s really that simple. Showing someone that you love them by reassuring them that you aren’t going anywhere, whatever may happen.

That is all you needed.

Now we get to the current situation.

You bottled up so much sadness, hurt and disappointment for the past few years that it came out in one titanic eruption of emotion. I keep telling you, do not speak or act out in anger because you will regret it. I know you do.

Now look what happened.

But what about the things he did to you? The infidelity. Not once or twice but four times or more. Does he think that didn’t insult your faith in love?

But you still gave him a second chance. Thinking, hoping and praying that he would change. He promised he would. But did he really?

But everything happens for a reason.

Look at what happened. Not even 5minutes after you broke up he was asking for another girl’s number. Not even a week after he is with another girl.

Now ask yourself this – is it really that easy for him to move on or had he already moved on before he ended it? Did he really love you? Or he just thought he did.
From the beginning of your relationship, you both knew it was going to be an uphill battle. But you gave it everything you had. There is nothing more you could have done to salvage whatever is left of it. If anything you did your best.

You want to be happy for him and no matter how many times you say it to yourself, you know that you’re not. I know you are scared. I have been there too. But one day, you will be happy. You will be truly happy for him. You will no longer have sleepless nights, you will no longer cry yourself to sleep, you will no longer think of him. The pictures of him will be taken down and you will store it in a safe place along with all the other memories you had of him. The good times and the bad. And one day you will reflect on this and say to yourself – we had fun and I really enjoyed his company. There will be no regrets, no hatred, no bitterness. Just the thought and acceptance that some people are just not meant to stay forever in your life.

It will come. I can assure you of that.

You may or may not run into him and I know you are scared to see what your reaction would be if ever you did but even if your heart is breaking and you want breakdown and cry. Please don’t. You are stronger than that. Smile and be happy for him. Be happy that even for a short moment in your life, he once made you the happiest person. And for that you should be thankful.

The bad things that happened no longer matter as long as he is happy and I know you will be happy too. I know you wonder if he’s thinking of you. Maybe. Maybe not. But does it really matter now? Will it make you feel better knowing that he’s still thinking of you. For a split second maybe. But that doesn’t last. Just remember, he is only human. He has memories too. There will be days he will think of you for sure and smile and think to himself – that was really fun. I had a good time.

I know you truly do love him. Saying to let go is easy but it’s hard to do. But I know you will eventually get through this. You just don’t see it yet. But I am there now. You will meet and fall in love with someone new. Someone who will appreciate all the effort you put into the relationship. Someone who will stay with you even if times get hard. Someone who will see your worth. Someone who will defend you with all they have. And simply someone who will love you unconditionally.

It will happen when you least expect it. Did you envision you ever falling in love with him. No. That was the last thing on your mind during that time, but you did. It will happen like that. There will be that instant connection with somebody new. Just be patient. It’s not a race to see who can be happy first.

Cherish, the good times and the memories, learn from the bad times. And after weeks, months or even years you cross paths and the feelings are still there and you do end up being together again, then so be it. That is what God has planned for you. Accept it. But before you jump back into it, be smart about it. He will need to go through extraordinary lengths to prove his love for you. But if not, if he cannot see your worth and how beautiful a person you are, then just be thankful that you meant the world to somebody at one point in time and who made you happy and who also loved you too.

You will find it one day.

Keep your head up. This is not the last time you will fall in love. You have been through this before. You are stronger than you believe you are.

I would know.

Love always,

Future You