There is a long list of people I would not date. However, just because I am turned off by guys who don’t shower and make racist/sexist comments doesn’t mean that everyone is turned off as well. Somewhere, that guy has an unhygienic racist/sexist soulmate! That being said there is one type of guy who is truly updateable across the board. And that is the guy who won’t commit.
Selfish, but upfront. The “asshole” is the guy who crushes your hopes right from the get-go. He drops a “I don’t do commitment” or a “I just got our of something heavy” or a “don’t take this seriously” before pillow talk. He lets you know that he is seeing other girls.
When he takes you out to dinner, he says, “Oh, last time I came here with Susie, they gave me the same table!” Or perhaps, he is more subtle. He talks about how he thinks the two of you are at an age when you need to “explore” and “meet lots of people,” or just “focus on yourselves for a bit.”
You get the idea.
In any case, he is playing the field. Either that or in love with his Xbox. You know it, he knows it. He’s either juggling you with a bunch of other dates or he’s would never meet your parents over chilling with his buddies. And he’d tell you that. He has the requisite amount of arrogance to pull it off too.
Verdict: Hook up. With caution. As asshole-y as the asshole may sound, he is actually not completely un-fuckable as long as you are okay with no commitment. He lets you know exactly where you stand, so his honesty can set you free. If you are okay with no commitment, go ahead. Just let him know how glad you are to be “commitment free” as well. If he’s a decent guy, this will ensure he’s comfortable. And if he’s evil, it will prevent him from feeling superior.
Selfish and sly. The “douchebag” is the “asshole” without the integrity. He is too insecure or compromised to let you know he is only after your ass. He uses lines from romcoms. He is “not like other guys.” He make plans to see you and then changes them last minute. He has a story about his dead grandmother that he tells to gain sympathy.
It’s a nauseating.
He has no intention of ever being serious, but he wants you to think he’ll whisk you away anyway. Maybe he thinks you wouldn’t want to just hook up with him. Maybe he has a sick need to give love and then take it away. (Thank you TayTay). It’s likely that he enjoys the idea of winning the prize of your heart, but like the oversized Tweetie Bird at the fair, your four-chambered organ is so much less appealing once won.
Occasionally, the douchebag will end up in a relationship. However, even in this case he likely can’t commit to being committed. He’ll cheat. He’ll break up with his girlfriend right after sex. Then two weeks later, he’ll try to serenade her at a coffee house. It’s all about the thrill of the chase, amiright?
Verdict: Stay far, far away. Unfortunately, even if you’re okay with the casual, he’s not much of choice, because to do the casual right you still need a little bit of trust. Hopefully, his insincerity shines through and his lines fall on jaded ears.
Ah. This guy presents the worst of dilemmas. His intentions are oh-so-pure, but his actions are less than lovely. He cancels plans. You guys constantly have long talks about “what’s going wrong.” From the bottom of his heart, he wants to treat a girl well, but…for some reason he’s failing you. He says he likes you a lot…but there’s this issue he has and he wishes he could change it, but for now, can you live with uncertainty?
Maybe, he prioritizes med school in a way that precludes going on dates. Maybe, he is in love with a lesbian who will never return his affections. (You kind of look like her, but not enough.) Maybe, he is struggling with depression and would rather never get out of bed than make his way to yours. So he apologizes, he shrugs, he ruffles his hair and looks adorable, the two of you make out, and afterwards, you cry yourself to sleep.
The “Nice-Guy-But” is tricky because he’s honest, but he’s still feeding you hope. Which means he really is the worst. The fact is that he likes you, but not enough to supersede whatever else is going on. Moreover, the fact that he can’t just break it off makes him weak.
Verdict: Friend-zone, if possible. There is a temptation to try and hold out, but don’t.
An unequal relationship in which you do all the work will eventually make him respect you less. In the meantime, he will drive you crazy. If you can keep him as friend, you have a nice guy in your life, and maybe, eventually, when those issues fade, he can come over and seduce you for real.