10 Reasons Soccer Is The World’s Most Hated Sport

1. It’s not a real sport.

I assume that it is the perpetuation of adolescence, but every four years everyone in America everyone pretends soccer is relevant. And sometimes even: a real sport. It saves money for my insurance company from having to cover my ambien. Although, I wish I could just hibernate through the World Cup and come out of my imaginary cave, for the sake of this article, with a huge smile as I stretch and yawn with excitement from not having to put up with everything the World Cup brings to my consciousness.

2. It’s on every bar TV.

When you’re touring the United States you will find yourself in several bar and grills. Obviously assuming that you have my drinking habit. EVERY TIME I go in, it’s on the TV. Surrounded by rednecks drinking natty light pretending to know what the fuck is going on and that it is some how appealing. No matter what you can do, you cannot avoid it. It’s like a reverse party.

3. What is a World Cup?

Snore.

4. Mexico is allowed to play.

Mexico is bad at everything. And ESPECIALLY ever since Colorado, California, and whatever other states legalized weed, Mexico has been useless as shit. But it’s cute that Mexico still tries to win at something athletic.

5. Do I really need to go to 10?

Really.