1. That Asshole Who Spoils TV Shows
You’ve just seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones and your mind is racing. So what do you do? You instantly take to Facebook and proclaim to the world that you can’t believe Jon Snow got his face bashed in by a White Walker (I’m not up to date so don’t kill me if this ends up being true). Then you’re surprised that your number of friends has fallen from 1,000 to 0 and flaming bags of poop keep appearing on your porch. I’ll explain why this is happening: you, sir, are a dick. Not everyone consumes media with your voracious fan-lust. Maybe we actually have lives during that one hour on Sunday and won’t be diving into our DVR’s until tomorrow. Can you wait that long? Please? If you’re so desperate to have a conversation about Don Draper having sex with Roger Sterling, Facebook invented a nifty little feature called the Personal Message. But maybe such technology is way over your head. Luckily, there is a Chrome extension to protect me from assholes like you.
2. The Rabid, Undiscerning Fan
We get it, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is the greatest comic book movie in the history of the universe. We saw that article you posted from Variety, the one from CinemaBlend, and that info-graphic you made yourself and posted to your personal Marvel fan page. Just because your life only consists of time between Superman movies doesn’t mean the rest of us care that Zach Snyder is the second coming of Jesus. The worst part is that you don’t keep your crazy compartmentalized to a single fandom. I’ve seen you rave about Doctor Who, Guillermo Del Toro, Orphan Black, and The Bachelorette like they’re the only pieces of your life worth anything and you’ve undertaken a personal Crusade to suck the rest of the world into your sad existence. You’ve thrown the words “genius” and “masterpiece” around so much that they no longer have any meaning. Ironically that’s why neither I nor the countless masses you shout at will ever take you seriously.
3. The Person Who Thinks Facebook is Their Diary
Think of your life as a Venn Diagram. In a big circle, you’ll find everything about your day-to-day that interests you (i.e. Tonight is pizza night). Within that circle is a smaller one that contains everything about you that your mom cares about (i.e. Coming home to visit this weekend) and within that one is a smaller circle still that encompasses everything your close friends would even turn their noses at (i.e. I just got a promotion). Inside the smallest, most insignificant circle is everything about you that Facebook cares about. This includes weddings, funerals and moments when you singlehandedly saved mankind from an invasion of hyper-intelligent shark people. So if you’re someone who finds it necessary to tell us about every banana you’ve eaten today, do us a favor and put it on your MySpace page. We have cat GIFs we’d rather be watching.
4. The Aspiring Artist
The advent of the Instagram filter has led to a slew of would-be photographers crowding my Newsfeed with their latest faux-chic selfie, urban landscape photo, or picture of the crap they ordered for lunch. Hate to break it to you, but the addition of a slight fade on your digital snapshot doesn’t add depth to your unremarkable life. Now this isn’t a stab at all my photographer friends who make a living producing gorgeous images. Your continued presence on Facebook gives me a reason to wade through all the nonsense. It’s the hundreds upon hundreds of imitators, the look-at-what-this-black-and-white-lawn-chair-says-about-me masses that churn my stomach. Put down the cell phone, pick up a real camera with lenses and comprehensive exposure settings and we’ll talk. Maybe that artistic veil you hide behind could turn into something real. Or maybe not. I don’t have much faith in you.
5. The Exaggerator
This is the person who makes the rest of us feel bad about working our part-time post-college jobs while we struggle to move out of our parents’ house. They’ll taunt you with posts about landing their dream job at Big-Ass Law Firm or finding their soul mate or (glob forbid) moved out of the basement you long to escape. Thing is, only a percentage of these depressing status updates are even true and the rest are just embellishments meant to boost their diminutive self-esteem. Maybe if you offered to pick up the check at dinner every once in a while, I’d be more inclined to believe your life is going so well.
6. The Buzzfeed Fanboy/girl
Before I realized that you can block all posts from a given website, these people were the primary reason I feared logging on. It seems these folks can’t go ten minutes without sharing a Buzzfeed list that totally describes how they’re feeling. Also known as the “my gosh I literally can’t even” crowd, they fill up their friends’ Newsfeeds with nonsensical drivel packed full of Kristen Wiig and corgi GIFs (because that’s what I was missing from my life). We get it, you watch SNL, you drool over Jennifer Lawrence, and you think Lorde would beat Rihanna in a fist fight. We got that with your last link, the one before, and the one before that. You haven’t contributed to any new dialogue since you discovered that GIFs could describe your emotions better than you can. You’re the reason I literally can’t even.
7. The Attention Whore
This is a close cousin of the Exaggerator, but with far more sob stories. Everything that spills onto their Wall is either a cryptic cry for help or a preemptive Oscar speech. Be prepared to hear about how much they’ve changed this year or how “Sigh, things can’t possibly get any worse.” This vaguebooking may be turning a few heads, but not the way you were hoping for. Most of your friends are rolling their eyes and praying that one day you’ll pony up for an actual therapist instead of turning to the faceless masses on your laptop.
8. The Shameless Self-promoter
Whether they own their own clothing line, front a shitty band or are the chapter president of every club on campus, these people will barrage you with a ceaseless fire of event notification and links to check out their latest lackluster contribution to society. If I declined yesterday’s Colombian dance invite and today’s Kickstarter campaign, chances are I’m not going to buy in to your third attempt at launching a skating company. But some people just can’t take a hint and continue to treat Facebook like their ticket to free publicity.
9. The Facebook Parent
Just because they discovered unprotected sex before the rest of us doesn’t mean we should have to see the consequences every time we boot up our computers. It seems every new parent with access to a camera and an internet connection feels compelled to share every moment of their child’s development with a Facebook crowd that really doesn’t care. Each and every one of them acts like their baby is the cutest lump of flesh to land on this planet instead of what most babies actually are: ugly. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I just don’t love your kids. Shoved in my face. Every day. Remember photo albums? They were awesome because I didn’t have to look at them.
10. The Disgusting Couple
These are the people you would swear have become conjoined twins since they started dating. You can’t find any photo without the both of them because they deleted all of them to trick themselves into believing there wasn’t a time before their sweetheart. Listen up, if you were really happy with your significant other, you wouldn’t turn to the internet every ten seconds for validation. The only reason I could possibly see for your constant couples’ night updates and two and a half week anniversary posts is to make the rest of us feel inferior. And for that, you’re a dick. Both of you are.