Sometimes the noise of life is overwhelming. At times I find it difficult to speak my truth and I feel guilty for allowing my own negative thoughts and the opinions of others to affect me in a way that silences my voice. And if I’m honest with myself, it has played a huge part in my vulnerability. I’ve been hurt in the past. A few years ago, I was abandoned and left in the dark by a boy who abused my emotions. At the time, I couldn’t understand how he walked away so easily. However, it was his self-arrogance that set me free. And I won’t apologize for this interjection because he should have taken a long look at his own reflection, especially after his careless deception.
Flash forward to the present and I guess you could say I still resent him for what he did to me. Over the years, I had to learn to pick myself up in order to heal on my own. It was disheartening to know I would never receive an apology from him. And after all this time, I still secretly wish for his sorry. But that’s not reality. He wasn’t sorry then, and that’s how our story ends. As I close that chapter in my life, I have found peace in the fact that it was never about me.
The truth is, it was him who was miserable. He made me out to be unreasonable for expecting a boyfriend who was faithful and respectful. Because every chance he had to belittle and berate me, he did. And when I stood up for myself, he would get defensive and insinuate I was being difficult. Meanwhile, I was the one to always light his candles, and yet he blew mine out.
So, I write this to say I don’t miss him, the low blows, his ego trips, or his narcissistic behaviors. Because it took years to find the courage to speak my truth. I now realize that I was and will always be better without him. Because I love myself and my opinions. So I will raise my voice as loud as I can, because it’s too big for my soul to withhold and my truth deserves to be told. I am resilient; I will never be silenced, as I will never be the same. This is my habitual truth, as I am becoming my authentic self on the path to gratitude.