man in black suit standing on river during daytime

I Hope You Find The Courage To Let Me Love You

It’s hard to believe that our long and winding journeys led us both here, to the same city, to the exact same hallway. We both had to be rejected, going without what we thought we wanted, to meet in that hallway. Harder still to believe, is the connection between us—that nameless, miraculous feeling of live energy in every atom of our bodies. You have to breathe a little faster, much deeper. I start to become restless. Somehow our specific brains are akin, two of a kind. You communicate, and my mind accepts your honest, deliberate messages with such joy and appreciation as it finally, finally found a compatible counterpart. Your tone and inflection betray your interest. Your eyes betray your infatuation. It feels like having spent my lifetime alone in a barren, apocalyptic world, desperately lonely and wandering, then happening upon a safe and cozy home which was mine all along. That home is you. You look at me, analyzing and processing the information you find there in the context of what I am feeling and experiencing, whereas others like what they see but seek to use my being to serve themselves.

This description is of a simple, mundane conversation between the two of us, amongst others, where we wouldn’t dare to touch. The interaction lasts no more than 60 seconds. When we are alone and my mind is at home, I am free to allow my hands to slip under your shirt. I am free to hold onto your strong arm which anchors me to the earth. The earth which always seemed so threatening. Physical life was not something to which I wished to be so attached, but gravity becomes inviting when you hold me down. I am free to allow my highly innervated and independently acting lips to find your neck, your ear, your mouth. Your physical impulses always surprise me. You always act on them immediately. I’m taken along on the ride of your imagination—what better place to be than exploring the ideas of your beautiful mind?

This description is all I know with absolute certainty. I can describe your actual, physical reaction to me. I can describe the energy surrounding us when we are together. I am intimately aware of my experience when I’m interacting with you. I’ve archived every word you’ve written or spoken to me; analyzing them is difficult because you’ve always been intentional and sparing. You only give me words that you know are safe. You protect your vulnerability with a passion that is unmatched by your passion for anything else, including me. As our connection grew deeper, the threat level rose. I became something that could cause your undoing. I had the potential to break the bonds that held you together. I could unwind the molecules that kept you intact. If you tried, you could fail, and failing at a relationship with me was more than you could handle. Your mental fortitude is built on a shaky foundation. There are holes in the scaffolding, which mean that you’re only standing by luck and the discernment to avoid any elements which could cause your collapse.

I don’t judge harshly. We all seek to survive. Often the inclination to cling to safety is the strongest and most primal. Safety comes in different forms to different people, dependent on developmental processes informed by evolution of the human race. To some, safety comes in the form of relationships with others, regardless of their shape or quality. To others, it comes in the avoidance of relationships with others, regardless of their shape and quality. One person may remain in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, wherein they don’t appreciate their partner and wholeheartedly believe they would be better off without them, because their instinct warns that survival is only possible when we rely on each other. It screams against giving up the person that is to be watching your back—without them, who will? Aloneness is a black hole. Leaving would be throwing yourself into the abyss. Another person may be magnetically attracted to someone who opens their mind and their heart in a way entirely new to them and previously unimaginable, they may love and appreciate everything about this person and crave their mind and body constantly, and still decide to end the relationship before it has begun out of the fear of destruction perceptible in the intensity of the chest pressure which manifests at the sight of them, or the mention of their name. Togetherness is a volcanic inferno. Staying would be throwing yourself into the flames.

Sadly, my love, you are of the latter classification. This means I’m destined to miss you until you diagnose and treat that part of yourself that is so averse to trusting people, so afraid of the woman that loves you. There is a third classification, another choice. If a person learns to rely upon, love, and trust themselves, they’ll be safe from the threats of going without or being with another. If your safety and security comes from within, you can receive love without dependence. The source of suffering from unhealthy attachment is the dependence on love and relationships—someone is either already dependent or avoiding because they know they will depend.

Changing this about yourself is one of the more impossible things in life. The magic in life exists in the unbelievable, the nearly impossible. How did it happen that we found each other in the very same hallway at the exact same time? I’m someone who used to depend on relationships, I was pushed into the back hole against my volition. It turns out the hole was a tunnel—there is another side. I’m here on the other side, ready and willing to love you. I can only pray that someday you have the courage to dive into that beautiful mind and find the solid ground that is yourself, then give me the pleasure of existing alongside you. I’d love nothing more than to interact with you for the rest of my life. You’d be safe with or without me; loving yourself means you will never depend on my love. I’d be free to contribute, combining my love for you with your own—imagine the feeling. A loving relationship free from dependence is a calm, refreshing, crystal blue ocean. You’ll be giddy, joy bubbling in your chest, drowning in love and adoration.

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