It is just one of those days when past experiences feel heavier than usual. It feels like a step back in my healing process. Today, I am sad. I remember things that have happened to me that I did not deserve.
Have you ever felt this way? Like you wish you could rip your heart open and remove all that weight from your chest? It is like everything you ever went through is in the back of your mind, waiting for a moment of silence so it could creep up on you, reminding you of everything you worked so hard to forget.
My mind keeps replaying things I have tried so much to disremember.
However, this time I am not going to stop it. I am not going to pretend I do not feel it. Today, I am too sad to brush it off like it is nothing. My heart is heavy, and no amount of drinks or funny TV shows are going to help.
Today, my anxiety decided to get the best out of me. Today, my mind decided to open old wounds, and I am going to let it.
Today, I am going to let myself be sad.
I will crumble in my bed, trying not to make a noise because I cannot bear another “Just stop thinking about it.” I will cry until there are no more tears left to cry. I am going to scream my heart out until I fall asleep. Today, I am not going to hold back.
Have you ever cried just because you are you?
You remember every single experience that made you who you are today, but instead of being proud, you feel sorry for yourself. Do not get me wrong, I am so gratified with who I have become, but I can’t help but think, Was it worth it? Were the heartaches, anxiety, depression, and disappointments worth it? Couldn’t I have become who I am today without all that has happened?
Today I am sad, but that is okay. If I learned anything, it’s that nothing lasts.