First and foremost, hello. I know you probably were not expecting this message, but it’s something that’s been on my mind for quite a while now. In our five years of being each other’s, I was open with you about nearly everything I typically hide from everyone else – my father’s alcoholism, my crippling anxiety, my fears of failure and not being good enough to succeed in this world (just to name a few). But there was one thing I kept to myself for the entirety of our relationship. My sexuality.
I want you to know that I did not deliberately hide this part of me from you. When you and I decided to be each other’s, I thought I was only capable of being attracted to men. To you. But while we were growing together, I was beginning to discover a whole different part of me that I didn’t even know existed, and truthfully, I was scared. I didn’t know how to express this to you, especially since we both come from Catholic households and educations. Would I have freaked you out had I shared that I might be attracted to women as well? What would your family have said behind my back about it? Would you still have wanted to be with me? I guess we’ll never know those answers, but just know that I was living inside my head a lot in that final year of us being together.
I know I was not present much of the time when we were in each other’s company. I made excuses and prioritized other things, and that wasn’t fair. I began spending more time with my sorority sisters, one of whom I had a massive crush on and would later go on to date after we broke up. I began watering a potential relationship with her instead of nourishing the one I had with you and I sincerely apologize for not giving you the best of me the way you did for me.
You were an all-star. You were patient. You gave me space when I needed it. You made me laugh, always showed up for me, and watched Despicable Me with me as many times as I wanted without complaint. I could never in a million years speak a bad thing about you, and I know that may not be the case for you regarding me, but I understand. I’ll always care for you and be grateful for our time together.
Thank you for a really good five years, but more importantly, thank you for helping me to grow into the version of myself that I am today.
With love always,