It’s strangely alluring, the lessons that intense emotional torture can teach you. I would have thought that years of reading, traveling, achieving honorary degrees would have taught me the value of every single morning that I am blessed with. But no, I had to learn at the cost of my very own existence to be torn down by your constant emotional abuse. I always heard that life can teach you some very important lessons in some very unexpected ways. I was taught a lesson too. I learned how to spread love, how to appreciate life and how to love myself. I’m grateful for the lesson.
I wish that I could have learned in a different way so that I wouldn’t have to waste eminent years of my life being destroyed by an individual who didn’t really need a companion but needed urgent medical attention.
Well, what can you say? Late teens come with a lot of regretful decisions. My foolish choice to be lured into your sweet-talk lead me to a maze, where it took several years for me to find my way out. Your emotional torture was so intense, I remember feeling so anxious that I would puke after every encounter. You made my anxiety worse. Every morning was a nightmare when I had to wake up to go to University where I had to see you. There were no feelings of love, just fear. Fear of what kind of mood I would have to deal with today, or what would I be shouted at today for? I went through years of humiliation, because of the false tales you told people about me and the tales of my so-called scandalous affairs with boys.
I knew I deserved better, but you see, one thing about emotional abuse is that you are so overwhelmed with fear, you think that detaching yourself from it is a threat to your survival.
When you told me that I wasn’t “all that pretty,” I wish I knew that your own insecurity about the way you looked was being directed towards me. When you told me that I wouldn’t be able to pass my economics exam without your help, I wish I knew that you feared my abilities. When you told me that your mom thinks I’m ugly, I wish I didn’t believe that to be true about myself. When you told me that I am too thin to conceive a child, I wish I knew that you deserved not even a single ounce of respect from me.
I wouldn’t use the word love, because I didn’t love you. I was stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse, which you tried to make me think, was love.
I still don’t know where the strength in me to detach myself slowly and gradually from your abuse came from. But when it did, oh boy was I done with your shit. With my broken self-esteem, I head out to achieve my goals. It led me to the people who loved me for me and lifted me out of the destructed thought pattern that you instilled in my head. I started to love myself all over again. The love that I gave myself, I was eventually spreading to the world. This circle of friends that I have, I wouldn’t have known the worth of these relationships if you hadn’t shown me what being constantly alone felt like. Now when the sun rises and the birds start to sing, I actually want to get out of bed and meet people, go to work and make travel plans. But most importantly, I met the love of my life and I realized what it felt like to be appreciated.
Thank you, for if it wasn’t for your abuse, I wouldn’t have appreciated all the beautiful things in life.