My heart remembers the first time I realized I had feelings for you. It was a week before I was moving across the country. We had been acquaintances for about nine months, but I never thought of you as more. Not until that night. You decided that we needed to spend time together before I moved. You picked me up in your car and we went for a ride. I didn’t know you very well so we talked about life, our dreams, our aspirations. I was so in awe listening to you speak of your dreams to be something more, something miraculous. As our dreams unfolded and fit together like jigsaw pieces, all of a sudden, I could see the fairy dust. You were different, special. From that day forward, I could never imagine you as being anything but mine.
My heart remembers the first time I realized I loved you. I moved away to the other side of the country just after I started having feelings for you. I figured that we would fade away as people do and that would be it. Out of sight, out of mind. Instead, we kept in touch via constant texts and four-hour FaceTime calls every day. I talked to you more than anyone in my life. We got to know each other deeply and grew closer than ever. You told me I was beautiful. We talked about how we were written in the stars. We jokingly named our future children. I thought I was crazy for falling more for someone I only communicated with over the phone. I refused to acknowledge my feelings thinking that I would know for sure if our paths ever crossed in person again. After almost a year, I moved back. The second I saw you, I knew. My breath felt like I was trying to catch it while sticking my head out a moving car window, my heart felt like I just ran a marathon, and my knees… well I don’t think they even existed at that moment. I loved you more than anything I have ever loved.
My heart remembers all of the good, but chooses to forget all of the bad.
My heart forgets that after I told you I loved you, you acted fine, but then treated me like a freak, then caused a scene in public, then ghosted me for months like I was worth nothing.
My heart forgets that after you graduated, we went out to celebrate together. You acted like we were a couple, even refusing to correct our friends that asked you if we were. Then, that same night, you made out with a random girl in front of me and tried to bring her home to the place that we and our friends were staying.
It makes no sense. Six years of back and forth, you leading me on, building me up solely to tear me down… and I still love you. Why is that? How is it that you could be so terrible to me, but my heart still begs for you?
Someday when I finally stop loving you, maybe then my heart will forget to remember it all.