I’m typing this with Luke Comb’s cover of Ed Sheeran’s Dive playing in the background. Such a great song. I was thinking about how there are two sides to each coin. There is a lot of biases when thinking about your pain. This is my stream of consciousness when I think of past relationships.
One Day, I will not:
One day, I will not think of you the way I once did.
I will not think of your sweet smile or the way you laughed. I will not remember how I thought your eyes were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I will not get butterflies when I close my eyes and remember how you used to look at me.
One day, I will not think of you at all. Oh god, that will be the best day ever. I will smile when I remember that I forgot about you. I will smile because my heart will be at peace.
One day, I will not associate your name with love songs, places we visited, or “what if’s”. I will not flinch when I see someone with your name. One day, your name will no longer hold weight. It will just be a memory of a time that came and passed.
I will not associate my potential future with you. The idea that you would be the one to actually stick around was a nice thought, but I will no longer think of your potential. I will not be scared of the unknown. My future is now open to a million possibilities.
One day, I will not wonder how your day went or how you are doing. I won’t care what your weekend plans are. I won’t care if you got that new job.
One day, I will not hope that when my phone goes off, it is you remembering that I exist. I existed before I met you, and I will not only exist after but thrive as a newer, better version of myself. You will only know the version of me you saw back then. You didn’t know the extent of my evolution because you did not want to stick around to see the growth a person makes when they are loved. Wanting to love and be loved in return turns the most stone cold heart into one that the Grinch would be proud of.
I will not wonder if you think of me when you hear my favorite song or see that cute cup I bought you. I hope that you place that cup somewhere far away to collect dust. I hope that one day you find it and your chest turns cold with the memory of me. I hope you dust it off and use it, and everything you taste is bitter with the knowledge that we ended way too soon.
One day, I will not think about you when I wake up or when I am about to go to sleep. I will not think of you at all.
Oh great, I Don’t Want To by Alessia Cara just popped on my shuffle… Lord help me.
One day, I will:
I will take responsibility for my role in this breakup (if we can even call it that, honestly). I will acknowledge that you are not the bad guy in this narrative. You are a lesson. That I have to thank you for. Yes, you left, and that hurt. But as I look back, as much as I want you to come back, I realize you may not be a leading role in this fairy tale.
I will find someone who wants to stick around in the scary times. I will find someone who means what they say. I will find someone who gives me that same look, and I will be so happy knowing they are the one to give me that look for the rest of my life.
I will be more open about my feelings. I will let my walls down and trust that there is a person who is brave enough to climb those walls. They will get to know me—the real me. But I also hope that person knows to thank you. To thank the man who left me a little too soon and gave them a chance to be in my life. They will thank you for teaching me a lesson on emotional intelligence. I learned that I can be treated well, but I must also treat others well. You were not responsible for my pain and trauma, and yet I kept you at an arm’s length as if you were.
Fuck, Halsey’s Bad at Love… I really need to make a new playlist.
I will let those walls down because now I know that I hurt not only myself but others. You were good to me and I pushed you away. That is something I will have to live with and learn from.
I will accept that I cannot control everything around me. As much as I need reassurance when you pulled away, I should have also respected you enough to give you the space you asked for.
I will forgive myself for thinking that you would be the one to actually stick around. That is too much pressure.
I will forgive us for not knowing how to communicate with one another. That is something that would have come in time. Learning how to communicate is a never-ending lesson. Our time just ran out before we were able to learn.
I will let love in, and I will thank you for showing me that my feelings are not the only ones that matter. You tried, and as I let fear cloud my vision, you stopped trying. You shut down. I am sorry for not knowing what to do in that situation.
I will look at love and infatuation as the two ends of the spectrum. I will know that some will want me and some will value me. At first, I was not sure where you landed, but as you walked away, I was certain. When we finally spoke, you made it clear that infatuation was what it really was in the end. My feelings for you were real while yours were fleeting.
And finally, I will stop accepting my trauma and projecting that onto people who are just trying to show me love. I will learn how to stop recoiling from affection. I will know that I am deserving of a good relationship. I will love myself enough to know that you were amazing for the time being. You showed me love in some capacity, and I can pick myself up from here and know what I want in my future relationships and what I don’t.