I Never Got To Hold You, But I Will Carry You With Me Wherever I Go

Everything happened so fast. I never got the time to process the fact that you were growing inside me before I heard the news that I had lost you. I found out about you alone while sitting on my bathroom floor in my one-bedroom apartment. You were not planned, nor did I even know if I could have you. You were a product of a hot motel night with someone I wasn’t even dating, but yet, I cared so much about you. Seeing that small plus sign on my test while considering all the possibilities, scared me, but also made me smile.

You came at such a rocky time. Life has been nothing but chaotic and you must have known. I only got the chance to know about you, dream about you, and consider all that you could be, for a very short time. I never got to hold you, name you, or see your little face smile at me for the first time. I take comfort in the fact that in your short little existence, you were exposed to the safe, warmth of my tummy. Where you never had to worry.

I’m so sorry you never got the chance to know your parents. I know that I will think about you forever. You were my first, even though you didn’t get the chance to show me what it would be like. I love you anyway.

You came as fast as you went. Something I think you would have used for your benefit here in the real world. You were sneaky, quick, and I just know you would have been so much fun to raise. I was sent to the hospital with such rush and urgency, I knew that I wouldn’t hear any good news. I knew it was you. You weren’t ready, or maybe you knew I wasn’t.

I got to the hospital and they had prepared for my arrival. By the time I got there and went through triage, you had left. I didn’t have much time with you. I didn’t get the chance to know what my next step was, but hearing that you decided to leave when you did there in that hospital made me realize that this was really it.

Maybe I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t ready to hear that you didn’t get the chance to meet me and I the chance to meet you. I may not have held you, but I will carry you with me wherever I go.

I love you anyway.