Your Porn Obession Is Not What Tore Us Apart

When people asked why you and I split up, depending on the person asking, I would reply with some version of, “We were not a match.” For those I was closer to, my response included a little more about the part of you that was easy to point to: your sex addiction.

We broke up six months ago, and what I realize now is that my go-to response for why we split is not accurate. Yes, that was one of the problems in our relationship, but we brought many things into our little world, making it difficult to maintain.

I brought in a lack of trust, negativity from my past, control, and more.

You brought in a lack of self-awareness, poor communication, covert behaviors, and more.

We spoke openly and often about how we understood ourselves to be in those moments. You shared a lot with me about your family and upbringing. I could be completely off in my thinking, but what I assume now about your obsession with porn is that it derived from your desire to feel wanted or accepted.

You spoke to me about growing up in a home where no one said “I love you.” A home where you were the target of bullying by your siblings. You were the youngest, so they didn’t really want to hang out with you. I’m the youngest too. I get it. I think that’s pretty common “baby-of-the-family” territory, but I also think that stuck with you in a way that made you think that’s what love is.

You choose friends who make you the butt of their jokes. You think it’s okay to minimize accomplishments and joy by making negative comments that you call jokes when someone is proud of something, and you instinctively abandon people.

I don’t know if you were trying to get me prepared for the environment you have allowed the people in your life to create, but remember that time you asked me to stuff my bra before meeting your friends? It was just a joke, right?

It was hurtful.

I think you allowed yourself to get so used to that sort of behavior that you couldn’t take it when I would let you know I was hurt. You started to find me annoying and found that I was “always upset” about something.

Yeah, I think I was. You gave me plenty of reasons to be.

Like the time we went to your friend’s art show and you ran into a woman you knew and left me alone for 30 minutes while you two caught up with one another, alone in a corner with your backs turned to everyone.

Do you still not understand why it hurt me? You left me alone at an event where I was meeting your friends for the first time. One friend was the artist whose show we were attending and the other has a crush on you (admitted or not, it was obvious). To say the least, neither of them cared to chat with me.

Maybe this has something to do with the bigger issue you have with women, the bigger issue you have with the woman who raised you.

Was her lack of affection toward you what left you craving a touch? A release? Some semblance of passion?

Do you think all women are out to hurt you? Do we remind you of the power you are trying to obtain?

Remember when I got a new job and you scoffed because it was a title you didn’t think even you deserve?

Please don’t think I am judging you. I am not perfect, and was even less so when we dated. I am wondering. I wonder if you think about these things too.