I Loved You, But I Couldn’t Give Up My Dreams For You

You showed me what it meant to be in love. You were what I saw when I thought of my future — lazy mornings in bed wrapped in the safety of your arms, making out like teenagers just because we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, fighting over what to watch, knowing it didn’t matter as long as we were together. I watched in awe as you chased your dreams, as you attempted to do what so few would, and felt a shining pride I never knew could exist for someone else. You became my person, seeing me at my worst, holding the broken pieces of my soul and promising to keep them safe.

Until you didn’t. All of our dreams of “one day” disappeared when it was time to follow my dreams. A year of falling so far in love I never wanted to recover ended up being the easiest thing for you to walk away from. You couldn’t handle how big my dreams were, quietly tolerating them while I foolishly pictured us living them out together. Every broken piece further shattered when your true feelings surfaced and I realized how little my dreams meant to you, how little I meant to you. When you decided it was easier to quit than to try. When you decided we weren’t worth it. When you decided I wasn’t worth it. All the months of long distance were worth it when your dream was on the line, but when it was my dream? It became an inconvenience.

Despite knowing all of this, I couldn’t stop loving you. I believed you when you said you still loved me, that you would always love me even if we weren’t together anymore. I fell into your bed as easy as the lies that fell from your mouth.

We’d come together passionately, only to violently break apart time and time again. It took me months for the thought of not talking to you to not instantly bring tears to my eyes. But we became so toxic that any hope of friendship was crushed under the weight of the love we once had. I went on to live my dreams, choosing them and the promise they held, knowing that if I gave up everything I’d wanted and worked so hard for just for you, I would resent you. I may have been living my dreams, but were they still my dreams without you?

Turns out they were. The longer we didn’t talk, the more I remembered the lack of support I felt from you, the more I saw boyfriends love their girlfriends right. They loved them through their distance and differing dreams. The more I saw, the more my love went from an all-consuming fire to a tiny ember. The first time that meeting someone new brought me butterflies, I realized the ties you had on me were finally broken. The days of feeling like I was missing half of myself without you by my side slowly turned into wholeness and happiness.

My dreams are more important than the one who doesn’t support them, someone who is offering the illusion of love, not the real thing. I realize now I deserve the best God has for me, and accepting that has brought back the happiness you tried to destroy. TC mark

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