I Wish I Wasn’t The Girl Who Was Afraid To Smile

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean I am available to you. Being single doesn’t mean I am available to you. Being a friend does not mean I am available to you.

Even though I was in a serious long term 3-year relationship that still meant I was an option to these people. It still meant I was on the cards.

Even though I would talk about my relationship or how happy I was this wouldn’t stop them from trying things. It’s not until it’s gone too far that you realize that being nice just isn’t an option.

People think, oh she was definitely flirting, she clearly isn’t in a good relationship for that to have happened. Or, maybe if she wasn’t so nice this wouldn’t have happened. It’s her fault.

These situations don’t happen because of you, it’s because of the people with bad intentions, the ones who want to try their luck.

This is not your fault.

You did not want this to happen. You didn’t ask for it. You only said no.

They think they’re doing you a favor. They might think this is what you want.

Maybe ‘no’ is just a kink for you.

Maybe kicking and screaming is how you like it. Rough.

But in your head, there’s only panic and terror.

People think this is your fault. You wanted this. You asked for it. You laughed too much. You were too touchy-feely.

That is not what happened.

You know what happened. And that is all that matters.

You move on, you pick up the pieces. You get rid of anyone in your life who doubts you. You move away. Get a job. Meet new people. Eventually, find love.

People do care. You have to find them, embrace them and never let go.

Now I am no longer the nice girl, but the cautious girl. I am constantly analyzing situations. Checking what I’m saying, when I’m smiling, how I’m behaving.

I can’t give them the wrong idea. Do the like me like that? Best move away a bit to make sure I don’t come off too strong. Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed there. Did we just graze arms, I need to get out of this situation before it goes too far.

This isn’t how I should live. But if I became my care-free smiley self again, what would happen. Would it happen again? Would someone take my friendship the wrong way?

I am too careful now. I don’t want to be like this. I am trying to change. But how can we change if we live in a world where people will take advantage of one smile?

I wish we didn’t have to be so guarded and I’m still working on the answers.

But now I am surrounded by loving people who stand with me and this is the best advice I can give; Be yourself. Protect yourself. Protect those around you. You will smile again.