I hate sounding cliché, but this really is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But lately, I’ve been reading that the way something starts says a lot about the thing itself, and that is very true of us.
I know you don’t remember, but I can picture very vividly the first time I saw you by yourself. I mean, we had seen each other before then, but this time you were a familiar face in a sea of strangers rather than an acquaintance in a sea of…well, acquaintances. You were walking on the other side of a very narrow street and when you saw me you just stopped and waved and I decided to cross the street over to you to hug you and say hi. It’s always kind of been like that since, you know what I mean? You’ve always been getting me to just cross the damn street, even when you weren’t on the other side. Shortly after, you helped redirect me when I got lost downtown. That’s who you’ve been to me, someone that gets me moving in the right direction. I don’t know what I would have done without you.
But you also have shown me parts of myself that hold a lot of pain. Like the time you told me that you would never be able to fall in love with me. You couldn’t afford to be dishonest about something like that, and I appreciate it, but you also shone a light on the part of me that is convinced I am unlovable. The time you wouldn’t kiss me in public, you touched a wound that I have surrounding the idea that I am somehow not worthy of a public display of affection. That I’m someone to be ashamed of. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, but you did. You know you did. I’ve been trying to forget the pain ever since, but it’s something I have to do on my own and I can’t really keep hanging around the person that evoked such a painful feeling and expect to heal. Then the one time you actually were mildly affectionate towards me in front of other people, I couldn’t believe how nice it felt. That is until shortly after when I began to feel shame and guilt for the realization of how low I was setting my standards.
You made me feel like the consolation prize. You couldn’t have the girl you really wanted so you would settle for my attention when you needed it. It didn’t really matter how many times you tell me that this isn’t the case, every time I saw you show up for her through social media or by word of mouth, it negated any damage control you tried to do. One time I finally saw her in person and I hated you for making me wonder what it was that was so different about her that she got to have your devotion. You would tell me how badly she hurt you and I guess it didn’t cross your mind that you were doing the same exact thing to me. Maybe I had done it to someone and not realized too. Maybe this was my karma.
You are not a bad person, but we are not good for each other. We are nothing more than each other’s vices, ego strokes, and confidants. Somewhere in there is a friendship, but I think selfishness on both of our ends has poked too many holes in the fabric of our relationship for it to be a substantial one. I can’t keep holding a place of being second best.
I will never forget you. I will never forget our memories or the things you taught me or all of the times that you were there for me. But I’m ready for someone that wants me completely, and we both know that that’s what I deserve.
Even though it will be one of the hardest things I’ve done, I hope you can understand that this is why I have to let you go.