So What Was I Worth To You?

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Justin Aikin / Unsplash

You are avoiding me as if I never existed to you, as if everything was my fault, and not yours.

I see you every day. I wish I could automatically switch off what I feel, and instantly stop loving you, but it doesn’t work that way. I know I’m better off without you, and my time will come to find the one that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

That doesn’t stop me from thinking about you.

That doesn’t stop me from thinking about the times we shared together. Everything felt so real, despite the fact that you were going home to your girlfriend, and I was just the “other woman”.

I was so convinced that you were going to leave her for me, so convinced that I no longer cared about the pain I would eventually experience, because I was under the impression that the pain would never come.

Do you remember when you calmed me down from a panic attack? Your arms were around me, your voice in my ear, telling me to breathe. You held my shaking hands and told me to look at you. I didn’t feel ashamed of my anxiety in that moment as I saw your eyes filled with love and concern that I thought was real.

Do you remember when we spoke about running away together? We’d get in the car, not tell anyone where we’re going, and disappear. We’d drive nine hours and find a town to rebuild our lives, and we’d do it together.

Do you remember when we’d meet up at the mall and sit in the backseat of your car? Your lips over mine, your hand over my heart, your smile lighting up my world.

Until you’d get back into the driver’s seat and go back to her.

I’d be left there, desperately trying to keep my heart together, desperately convincing myself that you were going to leave her for me.

The fact that you are now engaged to her proves me awfully wrong.

Do you remember when we stayed up talking until three in the morning? You told me things, so many things, about yourself. You told me that you had never opened up to anyone like that. That was a lie.

Do you remember our first kiss? It was your birthday. I went home and laid in bed, in the darkness, completely numb. I had officially integrated myself into an affair. I knew it wasn’t me but I couldn’t stop it.

Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? I remember every single time you told me you loved me.

I was so in love with you. As much as I hate to admit it, I still am. All that’s left is that. Other than that, I’m empty. I’m trying to find who I used to be, but I’m so convinced that I am an awful person for what I did, and how I allowed myself to get hurt so tremendously.

You don’t get it, do you?

I would’ve made you happy.

You and I both know that I made you happy in our “relationship”.

Until I ended things.

The magic left, the pain surfaced, you were convinced I was shutting you out, when in actual fact, the pain became so astronomical that I shut down as a person.

We made a promise that we’d always be best friends. Do you remember that?

You told me that you’d hurt me. You were right. Why didn’t I run?

Did I ask too much from you? Was leaving her for me that big of a chore?

The sweet names I’d call you.

I’d never call you by your name.

You were my love.

Didn’t I give you what you need?

Why wasn’t I worth it for you? [tc-mark\

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