He was where I began, and he was the reason some part inside of me ended.
An emptiness, anger, and sadness that not only seemed to fill the room but replaced my oxygen. Not even in the far edges of my mind would I have thought that the man I love would treat me in such a cold manner, once again proving that as we grow as individuals, we can only learn to trust a special few.
I am writing this because I have finally opened my eyes to how blind I was merely four months ago, blinded by love (and not necessarily by the love you were giving me) but by the love you didn’t give me.
That is something that I will never forgive you for. But that’s where I’m wrong, some part of me wants to be that harsh, but it pains me yet heals me to say that this simply isn’t who I am. I have mostly forgiven you, but when I turn back time to how much you hurt me, and when I remember the deep, aching sadness you caused me for almost a full year, I know that you don’t deserve forgiveness or even a message from me out of politeness.
All my life I had been taught to give and give to the people that deserve it, but nobody ever told me I would have to find out for myself that it takes time and pain until you find out who those people are, and whether one is truly deserving. I knew that I loved you even the first two months we were together, I feared the words would slip out of my mouth any second, and I feared that those three words would destroy all that we had. Hence, as you could guess, I waited. I waited for you to say “I love you” first, and it was all an 18-year-old girl could dream of, from the man she felt was her soulmate for life.
Being who I am, I will never forget, and I finally know, that I always deserved better than you. This, for me, it is a form of closure, a way to set my heart and soul free and to let go.
Don’t get me wrong here, though, I don’t love you anymore, but I need this because you were my first love and my first heartbreak, the heartbreak that broke me in every single way.
You made me question why you even started all of this when clearly, you knew deep in your heart that you didn’t want to even try long distance with me. Those three months we spent in the same place were beyond magical, not once did I think about ending things with you or becoming an entirely different person once you left, but you did. You went back to your comfort zone and it seemed as if I was just there, a mere inconvenience now that we weren’t physically together.
I know, that in your own manner, you did express love to me, with your words and with the way you would look at me, as if there was nothing else or no one else that ever existed. With your actions…not as much. In the future, I hope you learn that you need actions to back up your words. Don’t just say them. It will save that girl from false hope and pain. This may seem like a critique of who you are, but I promise you, it isn’t. I truly felt like you were my soulmate, and when you cried on those last few days we had together, I cherished every tear that fell from your eyes. I admired your ability and bravery, as a man, to show me your genuine emotions. It made me love you even more.
The day you left burns bright in my mind. You left, and it was almost unbearable for both of us…I think. We had to spend two months apart until we would meet in the summer on common ground, the country we were both from. Now, I do understand that we both love music and how it makes us feel alive, but I thought I was the one who could make you feel alive more than any kind of music could. A music festival that was merely a 45 minutes bus ride from where I was waiting for you, yet you stayed for all four days of it, and not once did you think it would be normal to see me earlier and sacrifice a little bit of music.
I may have high expectations, but I only judge by what I would do for someone that I love, once again telling me that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t love me enough, or at all.
I flew to our common ground possibly a week earlier, it’s blurry in my memory now, clingingtoo the chance that you’d change your mind and come and see me earlier. I wanted to be there in case that did happen, and I really was hoping once the day came, you’d do it…but I understand. Or do I?
You have this belief inside your head that if there’s a problem or something that scares you, you ignore it and let it deal with itself, but that’s that’s not how life works.
Yes, I’ve heard of the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I understand it, and I do follow and believe in it, to an extent. But you just let it go, you gave up, and said this to every possible thing. I hope you know now that for some things in life that are worth it, effort needs to be put in and things can’t just ‘happen,’ without anyone taking initiative or trying.
I waited…and waited…and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore. Days in Greece where the sun and the sea were our best friends and we were each other’s, finally. The warm sun soothed our skin and painted us gold, and as we walked by the shore with our feet in the shallow water and melted sand, I mentioned ‘love’ to you. I didn’t expect it to be a foreign concept, yet it hurt me to see that it was. You said to me, “Sometimes, people say things when they’re not thinking right,” and I genuinely cannot explain how I felt in that moment. As if a wave had come crashing over me and I had no air, no escape.
Not thinking right? Me loving you is me not thinking? Not being in the right frame of mind?
No. That’s where you’re wrong because I know you loved me, but you claimed you didn’t know what love was, and I do understand it’s a strong word, but there was no way to describe how we were acting and feeling, it was love, to us and to everyone around us. I really am not making this up, you did tell me you had never felt this strongly for anyone, but that’s why it hurt that you couldn’t say, “I love you,” or admit to feeling love.
It was like a blockade in your mind. Everything seemed to stop for me, my whole world stopped when you told me you thought it was best that we move on, now that we were going to be two worlds apart.
For many months after you left, I would question why someone that seemed to care so much would suddenly turn their back and their heart on me. Everyone that has been heartbroken, whether it ended on terrible or neutral terms, knows what it’s like to be disappointed with their whole heart in a person they once thought was their world.