To All Of The Girls Who Believe They’re Completely Undateable

To all the girls that have been teased for being the girl who all the boys love,

To all the girls who have guys, but never really get the guy,

To all the women who feel undateable,

I’ve blamed myself, I’ve hated myself for always getting into situations that become “friends with benefits” relationships. I’ve questioned my standards. I’ve felt used. I’ve felt like guys only want me for my body and that I don’t have a dateable personality, I’ve wondered what I should talk about or be interested in. I’ve felt like other guys see me as “one of the guys” and sleep with me for my personality, but that I don’t have the body of the trophy girlfriend that they envision themselves with.

Once I’m done hating and blaming myself, I begin to rationalize. Maybe it’s not me at all, maybe this is just a shitty situation. What if this could be perfect but the timing is all off? Or worse, maybe this is karma.

Thoughts of karma become a dangerous game. When I start to think about karma, and the possibility of “what comes around goes around” being true, I get stuck in that place for a while. How many guys have been in love with me, and I just brush them off and call them my best friend? How many people have I shamelessly flirted with and led on? How many times have I used others?

When I begin to think about the definition of using someone or being used I find myself in a gray area, how clear is it really? I mean, is flirting with someone using them? I hate feeling used by the men that sleep with me, but is flirting the same, or is this just dating? Are we all just testing the waters with no commitment trying to figure out what we want? Is it acceptable to do what we do?

When I try to figure out if they’re the same, I start to point fingers. Maybe it’s them and not me, just maybe I date selfish guys who just don’t care. Maybe they know they’re using me, but it doesn’t matter. I mean, how can someone take you out on dates frequently, have you stay over all the time, and call you just to talk everyday, yet not want to be with you? That has to be some selfish need to have someone to fill the space until someone who is enough comes along, right? Or, what if this is all society. We live in a time where everything moves so fast, everything is so replaceable, and maybe we are all now terrified of commitment.

I want to tell you that that after going through this cycle about one hundred times that I found the perfect man who made this all worth it. I want to tell you that everything will work out, but I can’t.

The thing that I can tell you, the thing that I am certain of, is that you are not alone. I believe that most groups of friends have one of us that go through this; while all our friends are off getting married, we are struggling to feel loved. I can also tell you that there is a high chance that we can top most dating stories, so we can be a lot of fun at a bachelorette party. I can’t tell you it will workout, but I have faith that eventually it will.

So, to all the girls that feel undateable, remember, you are not alone. This instability in relationships does not define us, or our ability to love.