I remember a time of my life where I felt nothing. I wasn’t in love, I didn’t have a crush or someone to obsess over at night, I wasn’t sad about anything or merely happy either, I hadn’t even felt heartbreak before. I was just empty.
And I remember thinking to myself I’d rather feel intense heart break right now, the type where it would force me to cry on the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. wondering why this had to happen to me, than sit here and feel nothing at all.
They say to be careful what you wish for, for it might just come true. Well boy, were they right.
Because it wasn’t long till I found myself on my own bathroom floor, at 3 a.m., wrapped up in his sweater pleading to God to rid me of the pain that was slowly deteriorating every bone in my body.
How could he do this to me? How could he inflict this much pain onto someone who he had once said he could not live without, who he had once promised the world to? And I couldn’t help but analysis every aspect of myself, replaying the moments where I should’ve done things differently, because if I did things differently, if I had just changed that little bit about myself, then I wouldn’t be here right now, I would still be in his arms.
But I realize now that there wasn’t a single thing I could’ve done that would have changed him leaving. You see, him leaving was his choice, it was a decision he made purely because he didn’t want me anymore.
Yeah he hated how I talked too much, too loudly and too often, how he hated that I always took up his side of the bed, how I could never decide where I wanted to eat and how moody I got when I didn’t get my way. Yeah I could have changed all that to make him want me. But me changing myself was also me accepting that I wasn’t good enough for him, and how is that fair? How is that fair on me when all I ever did was give him my utter love and attention?
I may be hurting right now and I may feel like I have lost my whole world. But I do know I will get better because sometime all it takes is for someone to leave you to realize how worthy you really are. And baby girl, you are worth more than a million shooting stars.