Fear is a word bigger than what we make it out to be. When some hear the word fear, they tend to think of being afraid of heights, certain incest, or maybe even the dark. Fear is so much more than just those little things. Real fear breaks us; it makes us weak. When we dig deep down into ourselves, fear is much darker and scarier than we ever thought it could be.
My fear is losing people. Most people leave friends, family, pets. It could literally be anything or anyone. People always leave, and throughout my life, it has been the important people that have left; the people who are supposed to stay around to watch you grow up. Most of the time it is their faults, but when my grandma left, it was not her fault. She had always been the most important person in my life. When everyone left, she was still there. She always caught me when I would fall.
When I was little, my mom always chose people over me. Her boyfriends were more important than me and my sisters. I remember when she told my grandma that she did not want me anymore. I was only five years old; imagine being five and your mom telling you that you’re worthless, and she did not want you anymore. I thought something was wrong with me. That since my mom did not want me then I guess nobody would want me. I felt like she had torn my heart out of my chest and started stomping on it while laughing as if it did not bother her at all.
I lived with my grandma from that point on. She was not a bit of wealthy, but she loved me more than nobody ever had before. She taught me how to forgive people, how to love people, and how to not let me pass define who I was going to be. She was my mom, dad, and best friend all in one. I was so glad God had blessed me with such an amazing caretaker for twelve years, but as always everyone had to leave. This time it was not the person’s fault. It was the way life worked. After twelve years of living and being taken care of by the one person I thought would always be there, God took her away on September 26, 2017. The one person I thought would never leave got taken away from me.
So, no, my fear is not spiders, heights, or loud noises. It is losing people that are supposed to stay. People who others have that I will never have. Fear is so much bigger than what people want you to realize. I hope nobody has to fear what I fear, but I envy the people who do not.