It’s been almost two years since I broke up with my ex. Two years of getting by every day trying to find myself amidst the chaos that my three-year relationship has left inside of me.
People always ask me if I’m over him, and I usually answer with “I don’t know.” but if I’m completely honest with myself, no, I’m not over him.
Do I still love him? Yes. I do. Do I want him back? Yes, I do.
Will I get him back? No. I probably won’t.
So since I’m not over him, doesn’t that mean I’m still heartbroken? No, it doesn’t. There seems to be this notion that when someone has a hard time moving on from their ex, that they are ‘pathetic’, that they ‘can’t let go’, I used to believe that, but now that I am in this the situation, it’s not that simple.
When I think of someone heartbroken, I think of someone who is just stuck. Someone who doesn’t want to move on, someone who just wants to sit and hope that their significant other will come back to the realization that they want them back.
But that’s not what happened to me. I am not an exception to the rule of exes who don’t want
to get back together. I am the rule.
I have spent countless days and nights hoping that my ex will realize he made a big mistake and want me back, but the universe has endlessly slapped me in the face with the fact that it’s not happening, and that it is never going to happen.
So every day, I push forward and I try to make myself feel a little better. I remind myself that life does not end because a relationship ends, it only begins again. And that maybe right now, I’m not over him, but someday I will be.
I’ve been waiting two years for that to happen, that “Eureka!” moment where I realize that I am done. That I don’t want him back and that I don’t love him anymore, and every single day that it doesn’t happen, it frustrates me. But it just made me realize the more I wait for it to happen, the more it never will.
So I decided not to live as someone who is heartbroken, but as someone who is single, but not quite ready to mingle just yet. And that’s okay.
My progress has been slow, but maybe this is the journey that I need to take. We all go in our own pace and this is mine.
It has been a journey of self-discovery and acceptance. And at the end of the day, I know that I’m going to be okay.
So please don’t call me heartbroken, because I’m not. I’m moving on. Slowly, but surely.