You’re crying tonight, hundreds of tears. The kind of tears that say heartbreak, but it’s a heartbreak you saw coming from a long way off.
But still, it pulled you in and even though you saw it, you felt it, you knew, you definitely knew it was coming, you still moved toward it. You couldn’t resist. You still can’t resist.
You can’t resist him, the way he makes you feel, the way he laughs – a different laugh for different emotions. The way he looks at you with a grin as you make your way toward him. The utter beauty that is his face; it awes you. His body, his smell. The way his lips hold yours. His hugs, his hands, his skin on yours. The way he feels against you. His nose, his eyes, his scruff. You can’t resist his funny quirks, the way he talks, the way he makes you laugh. You could spend every minute of your time with him and it would never be enough. It never is enough.
Weekends with him are too short. Time is cruel when you are with him. There’s not enough of it – not enough of him. Yet still, the heartbreak is there. And looking back, you knew this was coming from the very beginning. The only question was when. And it’s here, right now.
You are crying, and dying. You knew this was coming, but still. The dangerous thing about being human is that you hoped. You had hope. Even though you saw this coming, you hoped it wouldn’t come.
You hoped you were wrong. You hoped you could look back at this fear and laugh at it. But no. You are looking back at it in tears. You saw this coming and kept going. You let him in. You stayed with him. You stayed, hoping somehow you would be wrong. But of course you weren’t wrong. And now, here it is, destroying you. Slowly. Piece by piece. And you don’t know what to do. How do you move on from this?
You love him, but haven’t even told him. Even though you’ve loved him for months. Your first love, making this all the more difficult. He was and is unexplainably special to you. You gave your body to him, and only him. He’s the only one who has ever possessed it. Twenty four years until someone other than you possessed it. Because you thought this was special. That it meant something. That there was a future here.
But you see now. Oh, how clearly you see now. And it is heart-wrenching. And it’s so conflicting. Because you can’t bring yourself to say bye. You can’t close the door on this. He doesn’t even understand the depth of your love for him, but you do. You love him. Purely. Deeply. Simply. Truly.
But you also see what you feared from the beginning. You know, deep down, that no matter how much you hoped for it, how much you wished for it, how much you prayed for it. He does not love you. He doesn’t.
And somehow, even at the beginning, you knew he never would. And you know what, maybe he could. But he won’t let himself. He says he doesn’t want a real commitment. He’s never wanted to call you “girlfriend.” This has broken your heart all along. He doesn’t want a girlfriend. He’s busy finding himself, starting his career – his own company. He’s paying off loans and getting a firm footing in life. He says now is just not the time for a full commitment. And still you gave him time. You gave him time.
It’s a cruel thing. Loving someone so deeply. So truly. And knowing that the love is not returned. Sure, he likes you. But he doesn’t love you. And it seems he never will. And still. You have hope.
One of the most dangerous things a human can possess. Hope. You still hope that maybe you can give him more time and he will come to love you as you love him.
You hope that will happen. Because how can you say goodbye to him?! How?! It seems impossible. The thought of goodbye breaks you all over again. Because you love him. You cannot say bye. It’s impossible to even fathom. How would it be possible for him to not be in your life anymore? You picture it, and you see yourself. A shell of what you are when you are with him. A broken empty shell. How?! Someone, explain how. How do people do this?!
You want to stay with him. Time. You need more time. But he also has said over and over that he never wants marriage or kids for himself in the future. But you want both of those things. You’ve always wanted both of those things. There is him on the one hand and family and children on the other. And how can you choose?! How?! You want marriage and children. But you also want him. And you hoped that he would change his mind. Just like every other stupid, naïve, foolish girl that’s ever walked this earth.
And still. You hoped.
You hoped that you could have everything. Everything you ever wanted: with him. In an ideal, beautiful, kind world, that is what would happen. But the world is cruel. People break hearts. The world breaks hearts. It breaks you.
He won’t give in. He won’t change. You can’t make him change, and you wouldn’t want to anyway. You want him to want you on his own. To fight for you. To hold you. To keep you. To show that he loves you, somehow. But he doesn’t.
After this conversation, he says, “well, we could just be friends.” And that shatters you. Into an impossibly large number of pieces. He’s crushed you. The worst part is it’s unintentional.
But you know. You know what you need to know. Not what you want to know, but what you need to know. With a stunning clarity.
He does not love you. And it seems he never will. Because if he loved you, it would be impossible to casually suggest being “just friends.” Completely impossible.
How much further can you break? You’re not sure. But this. This one statement. “We could just be friends.” That tells you everything. Everything you could possibly need to know. Everything you saw coming. Everything you want to be wrong; some kind of mistake.
And still, you hoped. But hope is dangerous. And it is still here.