It’s sad really but the truth is: I don’t see gay relationships as real relationships anymore.
I know that may sound odd coming from me a self-proclaimed gay man, but after all the relationSHITS I’ve been in, I can safely say that I’ve given up on ever being in one again. That’s right ladies and gents, I’ve retired my jersey. I’ve turned in my player card and decided to ride the bench and watch the shit show from the sidelines. This doesn’t mean that I’ve put my dick in a glass jar and chained myself to a life of revolutionary celibacy. Quite to the contrary. I still continue to buy economy size bottles of Astroglide and I still have a zipper case full of Gold magnums by my bedside.
I just don’t do relationships with gay men anymore. I just fuck them. That is the extent of my involvement with them.
It’s really the most honest representation of love I can offer without vomiting my guts out. I fuck them if they are single or in a relationship. It really makes no difference to me because as I said earlier, gay relationships aren’t real relationships anyway so who gives a fuck right? Chances are these quote endquote “relationships” will be over in what? Two to six months anyway. If it’s a complicated relationship, I’ll fuck them twice for clarity and of course my own personal amusement as I find the underlying symbolism to be quite hysterical. I wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time I had a heart.
In the beginning, like most gay men, I was a hopeless romantic. My desire for love was incurable, slightly insatiable, and a little bit terrible. Initially I plunged heart-first into love only to get ravaged by cold and heartless hunters who saw my heart as nothing more than a status symbol, trophy-esque compliment to their dick size and a testament to their fledgling egos. After a while, I decided to be smart about love, more prudent, more cautious, less frivolous with my investments but still no dice. The men these days have too many hangups and way too many options to ever want to settle down and actually build a real life. So in my disillusionment, I became a hoe. A stupid hoe. One that fucks for free. I reasoned that If I couldn’t find someone to love me, I’ll just collect fucks and give a couple of mercy fucks until I had no more fucks to give. Seemed like a solid plan right?
The thing about being fucked out though is that in between fucks, you get moments of clarity. Moments when you realize that the community you so desperately wanted to love you is in fact broken.
The thing about this community of men who fuck men is that they don’t take anything seriously. How can you expect something serious from a community that doesn’t even take itself seriously? This is a community that abhors responsibility and lives for cheap thrills, stolen moments and casual encounters of the absurd kind. How can you bargain on love with thieves who only offer counterfeit love to jack you of your spirit? This is what solidified my decision to avoid the relationship tilt-a-world and instead find community, love, and solidarity in random fucking. A cumshot is so much more honest than the flighty sentiment of a perfunctory “I love you.”
I realize that fast sex and slow head are all these men have to offer. They are incapable of REAL love. Theirs is a disability of the heart and I’m tired of trying to play doctor to men who like being sick and get off on sucking strange dick from weekday to weekend. There comes a point where you forfeit the fantasy and settle on the reality. Like the old adage says, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! So here I am: a 34-year-old gorgeous single gay man with a raging libido and a fresh bottle of lube. Heart sold separately.
And yeah, I know it ain’t right and a part of me still tragically entertains the possibility of forever with somebody, but I’m through being sold dreams and given the scenery by heartless creeps. Give me the booty and the cream and then leave in the morning. To hell with how you take your coffee and whether or not you are gonna call me. Heart sold separately and many rules may apply. This is my life one page at a time. In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the ride.