I Don’t Know How To Talk To My Dad About What Happened To Me


Dear Dad,

You said to me once that, when you saw me for the first time in mumma’s arms you promised yourself that you will protect your little baby from all the bad things in the world and you will never let anything or anyone hurt me ever. When I grew up, you told me that I was capable of living away from home, that I was capable of taking care of myself. You told me that it would make my life much easier and happier if I lived away from the warmth of your love, from that feeling of being safe and protected under your shadow that too just for studies and so that I could be independent.

You told me that I was strong enough to fight for myself, to stand for myself. You told me that I was clever enough to get myself out of any situation, any problem no matter how bad it is.

But you lied, you lied to me every single time. Or may be you did not lie. May be it’s just that I am not what you thought I was or you wanted me to be. But you are wrong.

You told me that I could tell you anything, that I could share any problems with you. But you were wrong again, just like you were wrong about everything else. Just tell me how am I supposed to tell you that your princess, your baby daughter is not a baby anymore and that she was forced to become what she is now…. a sl**. Just tell me some language that maybe I am not aware of, so that I can tell you, without hurting you, that your doll is a sl** now.

You often say I am naive or I am too innocent to understand the tricks people play on each other. May be you are right. You told me not to roam outside my college campus and dress decently. You warned me not to talk to boys much, as I was not smart enough to understand what tricks they can play on me.

I trusted you and I did what you wanted me to. Yes, I laughed at you and protested against your rules but deep down I knew you were right and I did what you asked me to, I behaved how I was supposed to.

But you didn’t tell me that there will be drunken devils in my own college. I could never imagine that I would be forced into their car just outside my safe hostel in broad daylight and to no one’s notice. How should I tell you that your baby was beaten, she was treated like she was just a toy made for them to play with. How should I tell you that the clothes that you thought looked most beautiful on me were torn off my body in the most cruel way possible.

I was slapped, pinched like they wanted to pull the flesh off my bones. They groped me in places that I could never imagine anyone touching. They forced themselves on me. They made me suffer more and more every second. I resisted very hard but to no avail. I couldn’t even flinch.

I lost track of time. I just remember the excruciating pain that I felt in my body- my head was pounding, there was so much pain inside me. Every inch of my body was stinging. I was bleeding and I had bruises all over my body. I was crying and screaming in pain and agony.

There are no words or any language to describe the kind of pain I felt in that moment.

Your little baby was not cute for them, she was not the most innocent girl for them just like she is for you, she was not even a human for them. She was just a piece of flesh for them to tear apart.

Unlike any other decent human being, they never paid attention to my cries, my pain did not make them sad, but made them happier watching me begging and crying and watching me at their mercy. They took pride in them.

When they finally stopped I thought they’d kill me for good, but I wasn’t scared of dying. I was happy to embrace death with open arms. I thought I will never have to live with this truth, with this unimaginable pain.

I wanted to die because it was easier than facing you daddy after what happened to me. But they spared me, on one condition – that if I ever mention this to anyone they will let you the whole world watch what they did to your little angel.

That small walk from the gate of my hostel to my room seemed never ending. I cried all night, and no one was there to console me, no one was there to hug me. I cried endlessly till my throat started to hurt like hell, till my eyes could not shed any more tears as they were dry just like my life was then, dry and empty and, gut wrenching painful.

The pain lives inside me since that day, it does not leave my side even for a second. The pain makes me think that death is better than the life I am living. I cannot even see myself in the mirror. I have started to hate myself, it seems as if my body no longer belongs to me and it’s impure.

I decided to end my life but just then I saw your picture hanging on the wall next to my desk. I saw your smile and I could not do it. I knew I had to live not for myself, but for you.

I just could not let you go through the pain of knowing that your little doll suffered that much pain. I could not let you live in that much pain and maybe guilt of not being there to protect your daughter. So I decided to be strong, and to suffer alone. I promised myself that I will never let anything hurt you and I decided to live with this pain.

The monsters molested me everyday. I cried myself to sleep every night. I hoped that one day they will let go of me. But one day when they called me to their place I couldn’t take the pain any longer, and so I took all the sleeping pills that I had with me. I was knocked unconscious and they got scared and they saved me.

When I came back to my senses, they deleted all my videos and promised to never bother me again. I was finally spared of their constant wrath and monstrosity.

It was over, for them, but not for me. I still get nightmares. Yes I may seem normal because I smile but I am in pain and afraid. I feel dirty. Every time I smile I wonder if I even deserve to smile. I blame myself for everything that happened to me without even knowing where I went wrong.

But you know what, even though this pain is too much to live with, I will live for you. You asked me never to lose hope in bad times and you promised me that I will have all the happiness in the world and that you will not let me suffer.

So, I still hope that maybe tomorrow when I wake up, I will find a way to tell you what happened, without hurting you as much as I know you would be after knowing everything and then maybe tomorrow I will finally have a shoulder to cry on. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up, you will be there beside me and you will console me and understand what I am going through.

And maybe then you will assure me that it wasn’t my fault and I deserve to be happy once again. Maybe tomorrow, I will hug you and I will feel like your baby princess just like I used to feel before.

I still hope that may be tomorrow I will wake up and I will no longer feel this pain, maybe tomorrow I will be able to love my body again, and not feel impure. Maybe tomorrow I will meet someone who will love me even after knowing all this and make me feel like I still deserve to be loved, and to live a happy life.

Your (not so) little angel Xx Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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