I still remember the first time I saw you, walking into the bar to meet up with one of my best friends. I still remember the flutter of my heart and the smirk on my face when we matched on Tinder the next week, the even bigger flutter of my heart and even bigger smirk on my face when you gave me your number.
We talked every day of winter break. We snapchatted, we FaceTimed, we watched movies together while across the country by making sure we pressed play on Netflix at the same time. You picked me up from the airport, having only ever met me in person once. You hugged me for the first time and my world lit up.
You slept over for a week straight. Everyone said we were dating but we didn’t want that – at least not at first. We had both come out of long term relationships and just wanted someone to care about, but not to commit to.
I saw you almost every day, and the days I didn’t I wish I had. You made me so happy, you helped me get over my previous girlfriend, you made me not worry about my insecurities. And that is why I need to write this apology to you.
I lied to you. Not in the way that I told you a lie, but in the way that I didn’t tell you everything. I suffer from situational depression and anxiety. You’d never know it because I rarely even admit it to myself. I put up a front, a wall, and I make sure everyone sees me as a strong, young, successful person. I can’t let people see my weaknesses, right?
All you wanted to do was love me and be there for me. I was stupid, I was dumb, and I was ignorant. I denied you, repeatedly, when you voiced that you wanted to date. I said I wasn’t ready, that I wanted to be single in college, that it wasn’t the right time for me. You continued to treat me well, showering me with love, and I continued to say no.
Then, you stopped. You stopped feeling the same way about me and it killed me. While I had once been so full of happiness and joy I had thrown it away instead of locking it up. Immediately, I spiraled down into a state of depression. For a month plus, I struggled between trying to let you go and feeling so alone and empty that I needed to fight for you.
And fight I did. I still saw you almost every day but I couldn’t touch you. I didn’t get to be wrapped up in your arms, I didn’t get to feel your lips press against mine. I had to sleep alone. Sleep being a lose term describing what is in reality taking hours to fall asleep, tossing and turning, then waking up hours too early.
But then you came back. I don’t know why. I had thrown you away and then begged for you to come back. Something in your heart must have seen me like a stray dog without a home and felt bad. I don’t know what it was but I am not upset at it.
But it wasn’t the same. I was still depressed and I expected you to single handedly drag me out. Sure, I was happier, but you can be happy while depressed. You can have your moments but your baseline is sad, unhappy, and anxious.
We had a great time together, but I always demanded more of you. If I wasn’t happy it was your fault. You were my girlfriend, you’re supposed to make me happy, right?
If you even did the smallest thing I did not like I would snap at you, questioning your love for me. I am so sorry. You were such a great girlfriend to me because you cared.
You cared so much that you prolonged the relationship way longer than you should have. I lied to myself, telling myself that I was a great boyfriend because I paid for things, opened doors for you, came over and hung out and did whatever you wanted, but the truth is, I wasn’t.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about me. I’m sorry that I snapped at you, got in arguments with you in the early hours of the morning and wouldn’t let you sleep. I’m sorry that I took you for granted. But most of all, I’m sorry for breaking your heart.
Eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore. You weren’t making me happy, a feat so impossible that I don’t see how anyone could have, so I broke up with you. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side. I thought that clearly you must have been the issue.
I was wrong. So wrong.
My spiral has deepened and my desire for you has grown. I know you’re gone, moved on, found yourself without me, but I need you to know I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for expecting so much from you without telling you what I need. I’m sorry for not being completely honest with you about who I am as a person. I’m sorry for ruining what we had, because it was so so great.
You helped me more than you can ever imagine. Being able to look down at my phone and see a text, call, snapchat, or a Facebook tag cheers me up more than you can imagine. Silly little cat memes can make my day. A simple text saying “I miss you” makes me feel like the best thing in the world.
And I threw it all away. I don’t know what I expected to get out of leaving. You gave me another try and I threw it back in your face.
Now every time I see you it’s like my world is crashing down all over again. Not because I miss you, which I do, but because you gave me every opportunity in the world to be happy with you and I wasn’t.
I’m not sorry that I have situational depression and anxiety. I’m not sorry for who I am because I can’t help that. I’m not sorry for all the great times we spent together doing whatever we were doing (probably studying). I’m not sorry for all then nights I got to sleep next to you, all the times I got to hug you, all the kisses I was lucky enough to get, or the vacations and trips we took together.
I am sorry for accusing you of being the problem. I am sorry for over thinking every little thing you did. I am sorry for expecting you to change when I never really told you the reason why or what I needed. I am sorry for ruining this, because I know we were both the happiest we have ever been. I’m sorry for not being honest.
I love you, and will always love you. I’m sorry.