Please, Just Let Me Go

angga aditya

Let me go. Stop reaching out for me, stop pulling me back under your wave. I’ve tried so many times to walk away, tried so many times to escape your grasp. You’ve told me before, told me time and time again that you can’t love me wholly. That you don’t see me as your girlfriend, that I’m somewhere between a best friend and someone you want to show off as your own. And yet, when I try to walk away, when I turn my back and tell you I need you to let go because you can’t give me the love that I want, the love that I need- you reach out for my hand and rope me back in. You do all the things that you know made me fall in love. You flirt and compliment, you show me attention, you make me feel like I matter- if only for a moment. But it’s always in that same way that shows you’re not fully committed. That you’re not completely mine, that you still have the freedom to walk away at your leisure. You know how I feel about you; I’ve only told you a hundred times. Something that you’ve never been able to do for me. You tell me you care, you tell me that you’re interested in me, but not interested enough to put a label on us.

We continue to spend nights together, continue to talk on the phone through the early hours of the morning. And once again, I find you being my first good morning and my last goodnight. And I find myself falling again, falling for your blue eyes, your sparkling smile, that charming aura that you carry with you everywhere. I allow myself to believe that there is hope, that love takes time and patience, that you’re still healing from your past, that maybe one day you will love me in the way that I deserve.

But then, when the sun is at its peak in the sky, when you crawl out of bed and walk out the door I’m struck again with the same unease that has filled my body since our story began. I can’t pretend that I can settle for our casual hook-ups, that I’m okay with your texts that sometimes come hours late, that I might only be your ‘sometimes’ girl, that I’m the text you send when you’ve got nothing else to occupy your mind. I can’t continue lying to myself that we’re on the same page, that my feelings aren’t real, that I don’t want more for us than what we are, that I’m content with this in-between, this almost relationship.

And now I’m tired, after months, months of feeling this way, months of always questioning and subconsciously hoping. After trying so many times to let you go, to remove the stamp you have left on my heart, I am begging you to let me go. If you know that you can’t be what I need, stop clinging on to us, because I know that I’m not yet strong enough to resist your pull. Give me the space to move on, to mend my fractured heart. Though the thought of waking up to a day without you in my life tugs at my chest and sends tears running down my face, I know that this glimmer of hope I’m so desperately holding on to will only continue to cause me pain and distress. So if you care for me at all, set me free. Let me go. TC mark

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