What Love Looks Like When Your Boyfriend Has A Wife


To my boyfriend’s wife,

I know you know who I am, there’s no need for introductions. I didn’t know of you at first, and if I had, I probably wouldn’t be sitting in a coffee shop writing you this letter. As I sip my macchiato and think back over the past year, I’m yelling at myself. I can’t start this letter with lies. I have to be truthful, you deserve that. I didn’t want to know about you, I didn’t want to think there was someone in his life, therefore, I didn’t ask, I didn’t do my research. I just assumed, and you know what they say about assumptions.

I remember the night I really found out about you, he came home with me and we were getting ready for bed at 3am after a long night out, I saw his phone ring. He didn’t hide it, he didn’t lie, but we both knew we were already in too deep and at that moment it didn’t matter to either of us. He hit ignore and turned his phone over, and I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to know. Ignorance was my bliss.

I don’t know you, I only know what I see online, what I’ve been told and trust me, I know there’s three sides to every story. I do know that you and I are very different, that much is very clear. I know how much you hate me, I’ve seen the texts you send him about me. I don’t blame you, I would hate me too, and sometimes I do. You know just how to hurt him and you do it so effortlessly. Sometimes I think you gain pleasure by it, like it’s your way of getting even with him, and there’s been so many times I wanted to call you and just say STOP!

Stop hurting him, start working on your marriage if you want it to work. But who would listen to me, I’m the reason you’re fighting. I’m the reason you feel insecure, and can’t move forward, and for that I am sorry.

I am sorry that you’ve been hurt, I’m sorry that lives have been broken, but I’m not sorry I fell in love with your husband. I’m not sorry that I’ve gotten to know a beautiful, talented man who has so much potential. I’m not sorry that I’ve allowed him a sense of freedom to be his self with me, no acting necessary. I’m not sorry that we’ve made incredible memories together, but I am sorry for how you found out. I am sorry that your world was shattered when you went digging through emails. I’m sorry that months after you thought it was over, you saw hundreds of text messages confirming otherwise. I’m sorry that once again, you found several hundred more. I’m sorry that I stopped caring if you knew, and only cared about my own heart. I’m sorry that I can say in all honesty that I don’t regret falling in love with him, but please, let me explain how it got to this point. I never intended to be evil.

“The other woman”, “home  wrecker”, “side bitch”, all terms you could use to reference me, but please know that no one (except for maybe a few coldhearted people) strives to be this. No one WANTS to break up a marriage, and no one wants to inflict hurt on another human. Love is a funny, funny thing and emotions do crazy things to us. They did to me, and I know they did to you too.

I remember vividly the day you found out about us. I was in my car, almost to the hotel, when I got a text that you were there. I laughed, I cried, I screamed, and I typed a simple “ok”. You had been waiting for me to walk in, but I was stuck in traffic that morning, so he found you instead. I often wonder what you would have said to me, would you want to talk, would you try to fight, would you just yell and ask questions? How selfish of me, but I was so angry thinking about how you ruined our weekend. You knew a lot about us, about me, but what you didn’t know is exactly what you were doing. You broke a piece of him that day, I’m not sure how, but you did. A piece that left him far more vulnerable than I had ever seen, and it allowed me to be there for him. What began as your way of ruining him and I, ended with you bringing us closer together. You threw pages of emails in his face and went on your way, and I spent the rest of the weekend by his side. We cried together, held each other, talked and told our deepest secrets, and that was the night I fell in love with your husband. I knew his demons, he let me in, and there was no turning back at that point.

If I told you I was under the impression there was a divorce coming, I’m sure you wouldn’t believe me, but that’s how I justified it.

Him and I discussed him moving out, divorce, what it meant for him financially, for us, for your family, and deep down I believed him. I remember one weekend while I was out of town, he called me so many times to get my opinion on apartments, talked to me for hours, and I thought, wow this is really happening. Every voice in my head screamed at me that they NEVER LEAVE! They never choose the “other woman” but my heart believed him, and so we continued this hollywood love affair.

Over the past year, I’ve learned so much about him, I feel like I’ve known him forever. It started as silly flirting, back and forth messaging every few weeks. Then it became every week, then everyday, and before we knew it, we were making plans for lunch. Lunch turned into drinks, which turned into a night out, which turned into weekends in different states, which leaves us here. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know that him and I have a connection that I can’t explain. It’s not a fling for me, it’s not a “fantasy”, it’s not a claim to fame. You can keep the Hollywood perks, the award shows, the events, I don’t want that. That was never a factor in this relationship for me, and that’s where you and I differ.

You’re a topic in our relationship, and not for the reason you may think. As I said before, I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted to break a woman. I wasn’t thinking of you the first time we spent the night together, and that’s where I went wrong. He opens up to me about things I wish he wouldn’t, but I’m also thankful he does. I’ve put him in his place countless times when he’s mad at you. I’ve encouraged him to go to therapy, to listen to you, to do what he needs to do at home. I’ve promised him that if he wants to end this, I will go away without a word. I’m not the other girls (yes I know about them), who called and sent emails and photos and wanted to ruin you. I will go silently into the night and never look back, and he knows that. I’ve even tried to end things with him more than once. Mostly on nights I’ve had too much to drink and can’t control my tears.

One night in particular stands out in my memory. It was pouring rain out, I had been out with a few girlfriends, and we talked about my recent trip with him. You posted a photo on social media of the two of you at a show, and this overwhelming sense of guilt came over me. What was I doing? Why was I continuing this when I knew it was wrong? I needed to stop, and on my way home, tears falling down my cheeks, I called him. He was at basketball with your son, he heard the pain in my voice and stepped outside where he listened to me cry for a half hour. I told him I was done, and without giving him time to react, I hung up. I thought that was it, I cried myself to sleep that night, and I thought to myself, I deserve that pain. I woke up to several calls and texts, and so continued this dangerous spiral.

I used to think that I could walk away so easily, and the truth is, I can’t. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks after his first night of rehab. You know, the night that you forgot he was going, and didn’t so much as leave a word of encouragement for him. After all, he was going to appease you, since you were convinced he drank too much. He texted me on his break telling me he loved me, and he called me right at 9 when it got out. I wasn’t expecting that phone call, but i gladly welcomed it. He cried, an ugly cry, a cry I had never heard before, and we spent 2 hours on the phone. He was in your driveway, I’m sure you saw. At first I thought the cry was just an overwhelming amount of emotions, there was a pain in it that made me cry just as hard. He said that he didn’t want to go inside, he didn’t know how to act, because he left one of the most challenging nights, and he didn’t want to call his wife, he wanted to call me. That was when I knew that I can’t go knowing he doesn’t want me to. I can’t go knowing that what we have is so special and so rare. I fell hard for him, and now I’m in the middle of the ocean with no life boat, just floating and praying that I somehow find my way ashore.

As I sit here, the barista sweeping around me because I’ve been here for two shift switches, wiping a tear from my eye, I can’t help but to think of you.

I can’t help but think of what must be going through your mind today, knowing that you found out last night that we’re still “doing this”. I need you to know that I never intended to be in this love triangle, and I never wanted to be the “other woman”, but that man stole my heart. I know you must know how I feel about him, we both probably love the same things about him. The 3 grey hairs in his goatee that he refuses to let me tweeze, the goofy accents he makes when he feels uncomfortable in a situation, the way he takes longer than any other man I’ve ever met to get ready. We’re so different, you and I, yet so similar at the same time. You asked him what it is about me, and the truth is, I don’t know. You’ve seen me, every inch of me unfortunately, and you’ve read my deepest thoughts, things that were meant for his eyes. I’m sorry that we’ve caused you heartbreak, and I’m sorry that we both love this imperfect, beautiful soul, and he loves both of us.

An unregretful, but incredibly sorry other woman.

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