I hate how sometimes I have no words to say about how I feel and all I do is stare while my mind is racing through so many scenarios of what could happen. Yet when the situation presents itself, neither of those scenarios came up.
I hate how sometimes I feel like I am in a room with no windows or doors to get out and I am clawing at the walls screaming for someone to save me. But there is no one outside to help me. No one really understands, the pain of being lost in your mind with no way out.
Sometimes I just stare, with no thought going through my mind but in the background, it’s a massive 70% sale going on with rushing thoughts. Thoughts that are fighting with each other to get to the conscious part of my mind so I can spend time wasting precious moments thinking about something that is really not relevant.
I know it’s all in my head but I have lost the map to try to get out of my head. I hit dead ends so often and have to turn back and try again. This maze is so complicated. If only I can just fly up so I can see the path but I can’t. There are too many thunder clouds blocking my flight path.
There are days that I cannot be around people as their energy is draining. I cannot give to you what you want because I have nothing to give. If I know I am going to be around a lot of people, I need to prepare myself during that day. Get rid of the anxiety beforehand so I can be carefree during. The next day I am drained, like the wellspring was soaked up, but I try to plod on, try to show everyone that I am ok and of course smile that million dollar smile. Thumbs up!!
I have gotten to a point that I cannot handle the negativity on social media. I have to block myself off from it. I need good vibes, good stories, those that touch my heart in a happy way. The world is so focused on every negative that it drains me. I look for fun, good stories, pictures.
Music is a big part of my life. I listen to music on a daily basis. It soothes me or riles me up or makes me cry depending on emotion I am feeling that day. I will sing loud and off key, who cares and I will play that song on repeat if it speaks to my soul.
A life with anxiety is no joke. You think I am weak, but I am not. It takes so much strength for me to get up every day and face the world. It takes so much courage to face people on a daily basis. It takes bravery to stand up and be part of society on a daily basis.
Strength, courage and bravery are words I need to repeat to myself so I can make it through the day. I put on a brave face every day. I don’t need other people to see the anxiety I am going through. I don’t need your pity or sympathy. I hide it all inside and smile through all the pain. I show the world what they want to see.
The worst things you can say to someone with anxiety is, “get over it”, “it’s all in your head” “are you maybe bipolar”. I say those words don’t cut like a knife through my heart because they are just words, but they hurt deeper than you will ever know and those words swirl through my head and kick and punch me till I fall to the ground sobbing pleading to stop, but it just keeps on hurting me. With the snap of my fingers I will not feel any more anxiety. If only I had known it was that easy to get over it I would have done it a long time ago.
If you could peel the layers of masks that I wear it will take you a while before you find the real me. But if you are willing to wait and gently take those masks off, you will find a loving soul who will give you more than you ever hoped for. A partner, a friend, a lover, your support, your muse, your strength.
Please know that I am not depressed. I suffer from anxiety. The medication helps to a point for me to cope with day to day activities. I just don’t want to be zombie going through life with a no feeling and no emotion. Knowing I can still feel emotion makes me know I am alive and real and ready to fight another day.
I love life I love meeting people and interacting with them and hearing their stories and I know that one day soon enough I will be able to strike up a conversation with a total stranger again. But for now, I need the space to make sure I can face another day with people around me who support me, lift me up and can understand and empathize with what I am going through.