24 Louis CK Quotes From ‘2017’ That Hilariously Nail What Life Today Actually Is

2017/Netflix

Each time I watch Louis CK’s new “2017” stand-up special on Netflix I laugh harder. If you don’t have the time to see it, or you just want to re-live the best moments, here are the highlights.

On weddings and marriage

• “Don’t invite me. I think it’s rude to invite people to your wedding. No one is happy to get that shit. You make it all pretty and they’re like ‘AH FUCK! THIS IS GOING TO SUCK!’”

• “Oh great. I get to live in a La Quinta in Reading, Pennsylvania for THREE DAYS because you want to get married for a couple of years. No one wants to watch you star in your shitty thing. No one wants to see it.”

• “You’re either alone or you’re in a shitty thing. That covers 100 percent of human beings.”

• “Of course it’s going to get shitty. That’s part of it. It’s like going to a horror movie and in the first minute you’re like ‘I think we’re all going to be fine.’ No, you’re all going to die and you’re going to hate the person you love right now.”
• “That’s the way it works. Love plus time minus distance equals hate. That’s just the way it goes.”

On abortion

• “Women have judgement — men just have intent… It’s her job to go ‘that’s enough of you. That’s really enough. I don’t think that face needs to repeat. I’ve seen your father, and it’s not getting better.’”

• “When should it [abortion] be allowed? When it’s in her pussy. If there’s a dude in your pussy you get to kill him.. I think that’s pretty fundamental. You’re allowed to kill people if they’re in your HOUSE.”

On Christianity and 2017

• “I tell my kids… The Christians won. They’re the winners, so act accordingly. Congratulate Christians when you meet them because they won the world.”

• “The Christians won everything a long time ago… if you don’t believe me, let me ask you a question: What year is it?… I mean, come on. What year is it according to the entire human race?”

• “It’s 2017. That’s not just any random number. It must be a very important number because we are counting to it in unison as a species. For thousands of years… It’s been 2,017 years since CHRIST. We are counting the days since JESUS… together! Which makes sense when you’re Christian, but what the fuck are the rest of us doing?”

• “Jesus plus 2. Jesus plus 3. Jesus plus 4. Jesus plus 2,017 years, 4 months and 3 days is when your license expires.”

• “Someone was like ‘what about the years before him [Jesus]? There was millions, infinity.’ ‘Those go backwards.’ ‘You want us to measure most of history backwards to accommodate one religion?’ ‘Uh huh.’ ‘Alright let’s do it, fine.’”

• “The Jews are quietly keeping track. ‘It’s really 5, 777 but that’s just for us. We’re just keeping track for when you snap out of it. It’s alright I’ll write your years on my check, I don’t want a problem.’”

On Chinese years.

• “Next time you’re filling out your tax returns just write ‘monkey’ where the year goes. See what happens to your funds.”

On his daughter thinking “9/11 deniers” meant nine people denying the number 11

• “She thought it meant nine people who just weren’t buying this 11 bullshit. It’s a small fringe group — only nine of them.”

• “They protest every day. They’re outside of the White House.. ‘IT GOES 10, 12, 13! Me and my eight friends know it! We are the nine.. 11 deniers! We know that 11 is a bullshit number propagated on the people by the man!’”

• “‘…The government took one-teen and replaced it with some bullshit number called 11. We are the nine that deny that shit. Mr. President, give us back one-teen!’”

On public school teachers

• “In this country, the people who teach in public schools are fucking losers. And everybody knows it but they keep doing it. New people are teaching every day knowing how shitty it’s going to be.”

• “They show up and they tell them ahead of time, ‘Hi, what’s this job?’ And they say, ‘Okay, here’s what we need you to do… we need you to make children know math.’ ‘Wow, do they wanna know math?’ ‘No, they don’t want to know it. You need to make them want to know it against their will, while they’re exploding sexually and beating the shit out of each other.’ ‘Who are these children?’ ‘Just whatever kids live near the building.’”

• “‘So how much do I get paid?’ ‘About 10 dollars every four years.’ ‘What if I get really good at it? What happens?’ ‘Nothing. Nothing happens. Nobody notices and you get fired and you die alone.’ ‘Okay I’ll try it for 25 years.’”

On being a parent

• “A football player said ‘my mom died last year but I know she was watching my game from heaven.’ And I wanted to be there to say ‘leave your mother alone… how dare you.’ I mean when are you done with your kids? When are you finished being a fucking parent? Even when you die you have to go to their fucking games and shit?”

On life after death and “being with your spouse forever”

• “No religion teaches that when you die you get to ruin heaven for your dead spouse.”

• “Why is that fair? Richard has been dead for 10 years — he’s been in heaven for 10 years and somebody comes up to him, ‘Hey your wife is coming.’ ‘What did you just say to me?’ ‘Yeah Rose just died she will be here in 20 min. They just have to hose her down and tape the wings on and then she’ll be here.’ ‘Fuck. You said this was heaven. I have a girlfriend now.’ ‘She’s the love of your life.’ ‘She’s not the love of my death, mother fucker.’”

On being in a fight over email

• “I looked in my sent folder and realized I left something at the top of my email. It said, ‘This is my latest draft, what do you think?’ So now the rest of the email is just shit because she knows that I have a writing staff and a focus group… there should be credits at the end of this fucking email. ‘Approved by mother and sister.’”

On transgender people

• “I envy transgender people. They figured out what’s going on with them and they fixed it. What an amazing gift to know what the fuck is wrong with you. Who else gets to have that? For everyone else it’s just a mushy I DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA. I would give a million dollars to just wake up and be like, ‘Oh, I’m an owl. That’s what the thing is. I just gotta blink slow and eat a mouse.’” TC mark

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