1. I didn’t want to go out. I’m a classic homebody and the stereotypically shitty friend texting a few hours prior to request a raincheck. I think it’s a combination of things. One being depression.
2. I forced myself to get ready anyway. Alyssa curled my hair and let me borrow a green one-shouldered dress for the night. She took photos of me I’m sure I later posted on Instagram. Maybe Facebook. Facebook was more of A Thing then. Now it’s just older relatives ‘liking’ everything.
3. I’m pretty sure I volunteered to drive, so I wasn’t drinking. Which was fine. I wanted to be alert in the club. I wanted to watch over everyone and keep my eyes on any creeps and be ready to unleash the moves I’m positive I absorbed from watching so much Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Yeah…not sure if you can tell, but I’m not really a club person.
4. We went to the W Hotel because we had helped put on a pre-Grammy party the weekend before and the dude in charge was thanking us with a night out. Again, not really my idea of recognition. I would have gladly accepted cash. Or even just a thank you card.
5. One of the friends we went with was under 21 and immediately stopped and told her ID was fake. The rest of the group had already gone inside and she told me to go ahead too. And leave her alone in the middle of Hollywood? To just sit outside? Until we were done? No fuckin’ way. I might be a shitty, depressed friend, but I’m not a monster!
6. I told her we could go wait at the frozen yogurt shop down the street. Let our friends drink themselves silly and we, oh WE will get our own sugar high. She laughed. I put an arm around her. I didn’t want her to feel bad.
7. It was warm for a winter night. But then again, we were in Los Angeles.
8. When you approached me, my first thought was, I hate his sweatshirt.
9. My second thought was that I hated that I hated your sweatshirt. Like what an idiotic first thought to have about someone!! But it was bright turquoise and oversized and probably should have been laundered before you went out. I compared you to my ex. The one I call Big Love and wonder if he just calls me, “Someone I dated when I was 18.” He had the The Sartorialist bookmarked and was one of the main reasons I started giving a shit about clothes. Not to say I’m gracing magazine covers or trailblazing or anything remotely close. But yeah, I guess I like fashion now. I guess I care now.
10. After getting over that eyesore you were wearing, I looked at your face. I looked at your face and you looked at me and even though you were drunk and a little sloppy, I think I fell in love.
11. That makes me feel gross! That makes me feel stupid and I don’t really believe in a lot of the romance I peddle online. But I saw you and everything went still. You smiled and the world was quiet for the first time in years.
12. You smiled and I choked on my own tongue.
13. You smiled and I knew you were going to fuck me up.