So Whatever Happens, Please Be Kind To My Heart

It’s hard to say all of this because we aren’t technically together, but it’s been long enough where this could’ve been something more serious by now. The funny thing is that when people ask what we are, I say we’re nothing. Because this is all just supposed to be “casual” right? That’s why I don’t know if any of this could even be valid to say. But here goes nothing:

I’m scared of what you’re going to tell me and I’m done feeling unsure anymore. I’m finished with letting this stress me out. I don’t need the unknown possibility of you still being focused on someone else making me feel like shit and like a second choice anymore. I’m nobody’s second choice and I’m nobody’s distraction. I can’t let myself continue feeling like this because the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I start to like you for some stupid reason that I don’t know, and I’m so incredibly scared of getting hurt.

I want more than anything to stay with you (not that we’re even “together”), and sometimes it feels like I’d rather stay in this constant state of not-knowing than not being with you at all. I’m afraid of not only getting hurt but of how badly it’s going to hurt in the end.

I’m not usually this sensitive to most things, but for some reason I feel really fragile with this. Maybe it’s because it’s the closest thing to a relationship that I’ve ever experienced. But that just makes me feel stupid, because while that’s what it was to me, you were in an actual relationship the entire time with someone else.

So whatever happens, please be kind to my heart.

It took a lot for me to ask for the truth, when I shouldn’t have even had to ask. I deserved the common courtesy of knowing from the beginning, and I’ve gone through so many emotional battles over this that you don’t even know of. I’ve given you more chances that you may have deserved, so all I ask is that you please go easy on me.

I deserve that much.