Heartbreak, As Told By A Man

Kevin Lee

I always thought that by this age I would’ve found someone and be in love.
I always thought that by this age I would’ve stopped fucking around with other girls, and would’ve found someone that would make me want to think of our future and stuff.

And I thought I did.
I knew it from the moment that I got to know you. Yes, in that cliche “love at first sight” nonsense.

But it’s true. The selfish and arrogant person that I was, became some kind of angel when I was with you. I used to take care of you in ways that you never even noticed.
You used to make me hate my past because I felt so used compared to you.
For some reason, the thought of sleeping with you never crossed my mind. The thought of seeing you in some sexy dress was actually something I never wanted.
In fact, I loved seeing the way your eyes would turn into half moons when you smiled.

The way you would cover your teeth when you laughed because you just got braces. The way you did your hair because you thought your forehead was too big. I loved it all. I loved your insecurities.

“All you see is what you lacking, not what you packing.” – That’s a J.Cole line. Maybe that’s what it was that kept you from letting me in.

Maybe you were too afraid of someone seeing the real you.
Maybe you couldn’t let someone love you because you didn’t love yourself.
Or maybe, you just never liked me.
I’m not an over thinker.

With work, with relationships, and with what I want in life, I’m as logical as they come.
I’m a business man that makes calculated decisions on a day basis.

I’m a hard facts and numbers type of weirdo.
But with you, I start to over analyze. With you, I get weak.

You make me insecure.
My strong and bold personality becomes a dimly lit candle when I read your texts. My overconfidence rolls up into a ball whenever you don’t respond to my FB messages. Suddenly, I need validation as I post a story on Instagram hoping that you’d see it.
You make me conform.

As I sit here in this hotel room not even a mile away from you, I’m tempted to text you that I’m here. Here in Your city. Here in this city that is synonymous with your name.
I hate coming here because knowing that I’m so close to you, I feel so far.
That’s why I’m writing this stupid shit to keep myself from making a fool out of myself.

I think about just telling you everything. They always write about a girl’s insecurity on this site, but they never talk about how insecure the perfect woman makes the man that loves her.
They never talk about what it takes a man to tell the woman he loves knowing the inevitable truth.
The truth that crushes his already pathetic state of a heart.

I might see you on this trip, and maybe that’ll be tomorrow.

If I do, I may tell you everything that I just wrote. Tell you the reason I’m deciding to cut you out of my life. Maybe you deserve to know, or maybe not. It might be selfish and childish, but I have no other choice. Even though I’ve made significant progress in my life these past years, you make me feel like I haven’t taken a step. You make my life feel stagnant.

Therefore, I’m going to grow from now on. I wished it could’ve been together, but clearly you want out. So I’m letting you. Go and live your life, and don’t regret losing me.

This is the cheesiest shit I’ve ever written. TC mark

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