I fell so hard for you. I loved so many things about you. Oh how I loved your laugh. I loved the way you looked at me, the nights where we stayed up till 5am talking on the phone, the way you looked into my eyes when you kissed me, your hugs and the smell of your cologne. I started to realize that I really had feelings for you when the littlest things you did made me smile. I would smile at the way you walked, talked, or even when you were just looking at something. You were the guy that everyone liked. You were unique, friendly and caring.
I was scared lose you. I was scared other girls were going to fall in love with you and see what I saw in you. Freighted that the boy I loved so much would soon realize there is someone else out there that is better than me. But he loved me. ME. I had to tell myself that every time I thought of him leaving me. He wouldn’t act that way if he didn’t want me. He wouldn’t touch me like that if he didn’t love me. He wouldn’t kiss me like that if he didn’t feel something.
Suddenly he wasn’t always great. We started to argue. I found myself just saying and doing whatever he wanted to hear so he’d stay. I would hype him up to make him think he was the greatest human being alive. I’d never tell him he was wrong. If I did… he’d scare me by saying nothing. The thought of him leaving was too much for me to bear. I made excuses to my friends for the way he treated me.
Little did I know, I created a monster.
But I must ask you, did you know? Did you know you were wrong all those times you thought you were right? Did you know I only said you were right so you wouldn’t leave me? Did you know all the things I did for you was to prove I was something to you? Did you know the hurt you caused me?
Let me tell you about the pain you put upon my heart.
I spent countless nights looking at the clock with blurry watery eyes wondering if my heart will stop hurting. My chest feeling so heavy. My head hurting, just wanting to sleep but I couldn’t. Nights where I had to go to school the next morning and I only got 2-3 hours of sleep. I would wake up the next morning telling myself, you can do this. Just get through today. A little concealer will cover those dark circles. If someone asks you how you’re doing you say you’re fine. You don’t have to show them you’re hurting. I would be okay some days until someone would ask if I was okay. I was tired of saying I’m fine. Cleary I wasn’t okay. I spent my nights wanted to drink away my pain. Did you know that? Did you know I would go to parties and drink because of the hurt you threw upon me?
You made me feel worthless – like I wasn’t worthy to deserve your attention. I was the one who made mistakes and you were flawless. I was the one who overreacted, right? You put your pride first before me. You made me feel like I had to do certain things that other girls did just to get your attention.
I only pray that the next girl you go onto, you don’t do what you did to me. Don’t put her through the sleepless nights of thinking she isn’t worth anything. Don’t tell you love her when you don’t. Don’t lie to her like you lied to me. Don’t manipulate her like you did to me. Don’t make her want to grab that bottle of vodka and drown herself in it. Don’t make her feel so terrible about herself that she thinks death is a better option. Don’t let her go to her friends crying asking them, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he love me? Did I not do everything he wanted?
One last thing.
After everything, I would still drop everything and everyone for you. I still would choose you after all the pain you caused me.
Because the truth is.
I can’t hate you.
Not that I don’t want to because boy I want to hate you. I want you to feel the pain I went through. I want you to cry all night wishing you did something differently so you wouldn’t feel this way. I want you to wake up in the morning feeling like you shouldn’t go to school because you cannot bear to see my face. I want your chest to feel heavy. I want your stomach to feel empty. I want you to look at your dinner and not eat it because your heart is hurting.
As much as I’d like for you to feel that way… I don’t. Nobody deserves that. I didn’t deserve that.
Thank you though. Thank you for breaking me into pieces. I am now stronger and know what I am worthy of.
My heart will always have a spot for you.
For someone I should have a deep hate for, I still have love for you.