By no means do I have this ‘life’ thing sorted out. I’m like you, trying to make sense of it. But I’ve come to the realisation that I need time out. The best thing if you’re hurting right now is to stay off the internet and do things that make your soul sing. You will evolve past certain people, LET YOURSELF. This is a letter to the boy that broke my heart;
I hope you realise that I tried everything in my power to make it work. I loved you so much and I never received the exact same back. What hurts is that even when you were at a low point in your life and doing everything against me I still stood by you and did everything to make sure you were okay but when I’m struggling I’m “insane.”
You don’t support me in anything I do. Why? It’s clear that you don’t know what you want but it’s definitely not me. Better yet, you still lead me on, making me think you wanted something serious with me. I’ve come to the realisation that this was not a genuine act, it was only to get what you wanted but I was left to feel worthless every single time.
I was never a psycho and I’m not one, I only care about a lot of things and I just wanted to be happy with you but I was never important or good enough. It’s not okay for you to just message me when you feel like it when all I thought about was you 24/7. You always had a way of putting things back on me and manipulating things because you don’t know how to handle the truth. I have never had the intention of changing you, all I wanted was to be cared about which you so freely talk about and promise but never show me.
I’m so unhappy but I push through it just so I can be with you and try to make it work.
You never even try to fight for me, I’m always the one chasing you. I always had this hope that you’re going to realise how much I care. When I see you and you can tell I’m sad I hold it together and act like I’m fine because at the end of the day there’s only so many times you can tell someone what they’re doing.
There’s only so many times you can let someone hurt you until it comes to the point where you’re absolutely broken inside and have no more energy left.
I’m sick of worrying about what you’re doing at night or what you’re doing when you wake up. If I can’t even receive a simple good morning message or call are you even thinking of me? You know that I did anything for you and always have so why did you take advantage of me and take me for granted? You’d think after everything you would use this as an opportunity to prove yourself, but yet again you let me down and it’s not fair anymore. I’m such a compassionate person with a heart of gold and to be with someone who would choose to sleep then make sure if I’m okay says a lot.
Sometimes the person always saving others needs someone to save them too, but you’re just not that person for me.
If you think I’m not struggling just think about when you called me on my birthday and I cried so much. Because I haven’t fully healed but I was getting so much better, only to be filled with memories that stripped me of my bubbly self and made me into a chaotic mess. I just wonder.. What did I do to deserve this? I feel used. You could have my body any time you wanted because I gave it to you, thinking that it was for the right purpose because we were “in love” weren’t we?
Everything was for your own satisfaction and pleasure but for me it was a nightmare. The amount of times I’ve just sat in my room not wanting to leave the house because I’m so upset about you. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much. I thought after our talk yesterday you would try message me or even call me.. even if it was just to say thank you for the birthday present or to check up on me, but I got nothing. You see, I would always do that for you.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough for you, I promise that this is the end and I’m never coming back to this. Always disappointed and always realising that I shouldn’t be here because you don’t truly love me, if you did it wouldn’t be like this. I don’t accept sorrys, I accept the effort and actions of making up for what you did. I’m not your ex. Don’t treat me like her.
Yes I overthink, but I also over-love.
You will never understand how much I loved you and wanted the best for you. It’s sad how your mother and sisters appreciate my existence and see the way my eyes light up when I hear your name but you can’t even see it yourself. I’ve given you enough time, I’ve waited long enough. But guess what? I don’t have to wait anymore. Goodbye.