I recall being in high school and being very confident telling someone I like them, but that me back then is now long gone. The more I age, the more walls I build. I have always thought that when people want me in their lives, they should make an effort and climb my walls to reach me because I am tired of pushing myself into people who don’t even make the slightest effort to ensure I stay in their lives. I am tired of loving without being loved back.
But then I met you.. At the most unexpected place in the most unexpected time.
I don’t know when I started loving you. All I know is that I want to break down these walls I have built for you so bad, but even I was not able to do it. I want to climb down, but I told you I am terrified of heights.
And I discovered that my walls have tiny holes and crevices where my rays of courage sometimes shine through.. those little moments when I reached out to you, still felt anxious about it, but did it anyway – pretending that I am in no way bothered how long it’d take you to respond or if you’d even respond. I am thankful that you responded to every one of them.
I don’t know if I have to say sorry that you met me when I am like this…
Or I should feel thankful I met you when I am like this.
I don’t know what went wrong, what happened, or if I have done something wrong. Maybe you got really busy with life or maybe you got tired of me or maybe you are currently entangled in a web of difficulties or maybe you saw through my walls how much I badly wanted you which scared you because you don’t feel the same. The list of ‘maybes’ in my head could go on and on.
Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from you again. I do wish you would. Then we’d continue this never-ending cycle of exchanging sweet messages of nothings – that cycle which I could end if I’d tell you all of these directly, but the thing I am most afraid of is you feeling sad about me that I actually believed there was something between us.
I don’t know what to say to you right now to even start a conversation. All I know is that I miss you. So bad. And all I know is that you are actually a stranger to me, and that we are not supposed to fall for people we don’t know.
So if I don’t hear from you anymore, I hope that wherever you are right now, whatever you’re thinking and doing, I hope that you’d feel my warmth and my love.
If I am not the one for you, I hope you’d find a woman brave enough to love you, crazy enough to annoy and bother you, and strong enough to support you.
You will always have a special place in my heart.