To The One I Let Go Because I Didn’t Know Better

 Eder Oliveira
Eder Oliveira

I bet you are surprised to hear from me. I am surprised to be writing this to be honest. I had another dream about you last night and I guess it sparked a reaction out of me. I feel like it is finally time to address these feelings so here I am putting everything on paper.

Let me set the scene, in case you don’t remember. I am twenty-one years old and just starting my senior year. You are 24 and fresh out of college. We had been together for three wonderful years. During that time we had somehow managed to create the perfect world for only us to share. Yes, we had our problems but there wasn’t another soul on this planet that could match mine like yours did.

You were my best friend and I was yours. You were my person.

I am not sure when it started exactly but slowly things between us began to change. Something was off and for a long time we tried to ignore it. Instead of talking to you about it I allowed the doubts creep upon me. I questioned how I could possibly want more when I had this beautiful partner by my side. But still, the feeling grew. Wherever I turned I saw articles discussing how everyone needs a chance to be single in their twenties- how you need time to learn about yourself and explore. My friends would begin to complain that I had never really been on my own. I would watch them go out carelessly and live their single life style, slightly jealous that I could not partake.

And so I made a mistake.

At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought we both needed a chance to go out there and experience the world. I thought we needed to see what life was like with other people and that one day when the stars aligned we would find our way back to each other.

I did the hardest thing I have ever done. I looked you in the eyes and told you I was walking away. I drove back to school as you sat there crying and I refused to look back.

I numbed out the pain with parties and alcohol. I swiped on Tinder and I began dating someone new. I was selfish. I was young and immature. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing

Now here we are and I am turning 24. You know what I have learned during our time apart? That when people are out there living that careless single lifestyles, they are actually looking for someone like you.

You are dating someone new now and you look happy. In fact, you two are probably getting ready to get married soon. I want to be happy for you because you truly deserve the best. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish that you were still happy like that with me.

I know I need to live with the repercussions of my actions but it kills me to think that we really might not end up with each other. That you could go on and live your life without ever knowing how I feel, without ever knowing that I still miss you and think about you from time to time. I always thought these waves of regret would stop but I’ve come to realize that I search for you in everyone I meet. I miss my person.

It might be too late for us now. I guess that is a reality I will forever have to respect. But if nothing else I want to thank you for being my first true love. Thank you for setting the bar high and showing me the type of love I deserve. As always, I wish you the best.

All my love,
Your former person. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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