To my rapist,

What gives you the right to do what you want with my body? How dare you try to take away value of my body. I was so surprised because you were such a gentleman until we got into bed. When someone says no to sex, that’s not an invitation to say “just for 10 seconds,” and then proceed to do the action.

I had said no. No means no. You did it again the next morning. You made me feel worthless, small, and unimportant. I am not an object. You then didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye to me, you just said “if you have to leave before I get out of the shower go ahead.” (I’m sure at this point you are wondering why I didn’t leave immediately. It was 2 am, nobody was up and I didn’t have my house key. I was trapped.) I wanted to hope you’d text me because I did think you were a decent guy at first, but then I think you couldn’t even respect me enough when I said no.

It is not okay what you did and I’m saying something to spare the next girl. Now I have so much anxiety built up on if I have an STD since you didn’t even bother to put a condom before you stuck it in me. And if I got pregnant off of the pre cum or not, which is a fact – you can get pregnant off of that. The next time someone who likes you is over don’t make them feel belittled, because until I go get tested you could’ve very well ruined my life, and if my prayers come true and I’m not pregnant and I am clean, you have damaged me mentally. And I just felt like I needed to address this because your life remains the same while mine is now changed forever.

To my friends,

How dare you not bother to check up on me. Your friend was just raped. Sure, I wasn’t drunk and was taken away to a dark alley. I was on a date with a man I knew, soberly, and it still happened. Why is this being dismissed? Your friend is broken and scared. Don’t you care?

Your friend doesn’t want to go to the clinic by herself, she doesn’t want to get tested and take a pregnancy test by herself. Now that I am a victim does this mean that I am abandoned and alone forever? Why is it laughable? The appropriate response isn’t “I just had horrible sex too!” or “Haha, man I remember when I was young and wild.” “I hate regretting a hook up!”

No, I did not regret a hook up because I continuously said No to this man. No, it wasn’t horrible sex, it was destroying the soul sex. I am not young and wild, I am actually young and cautious, more so now than I will ever be. I would never ever respond this way to even a stranger who came to me, in confidence, that they were raped. Sexual assault isn’t wild or fun. I thought friends were supposed to build you up? Do I have the wrong friends? Who do you turn to at a time like this?

To Society,

How dare you normalize sexual assault? Had I known before going to my rapist house that he was a rapist, I clearly wouldn’t have gone. How am I supposed to read signs that say he is a gentleman but is a rapist in the darkest hour? It shouldn’t’ matter if it was the first date or the hundredth date, no is no. How dare you let my friends and my rapist normalize my sexual assault? How dare you vote a 45th President into office that condones this behavior? Does this mean my society will go that much farther to normalize assault? I could literally be standing in a mans room in lingerie, drunk as fuck, and still say No. Just because of my state of mind or what is on my body doesn’t give ANYBODY the right to do what they want with my body. It is 2017 and here we are, as a society, still questioning women’s rights and decisions on our bodies. I could blame it on the old white men in office deciding these things, but I could also blame You for not standing up for us.

What blows my mind is when victims have to be silent. I can’t even tell my mom I am going through this because it would be “my fault” and that I am “out of control” or “too wild.” If we took an anonymous survey of women and sexual assault, the results would be disgusting. There are so many women who have been assaulted and have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Even my therapist says, “well it happened, but don’t let it ruin your life.” There is no compassion for women.

How dare you, society. You should be there for the victims, not the rapist. Society, you’ve made my friends turn their backs on me. I am now another silent victim, another statistic, another person who has to lug the baggage around.

How do I trust anyone ever again?