Thought Catalog

Only Insecure Dudes Make Women Feel Bad About Being Sexual Beings

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@NickBulanovv
@NickBulanovv

I’ve always been the guy who has a lot of girl friends.

Growing up with a single mom and three sisters, I felt I understood and was understood more by women. Sure, you could argue that women are competitive with each other, but I never found that sense of bravado that many men have. No puffing of chests. I could talk about my problems and open up. Having emotions didn’t ever make me lesser in their eyes. It just cemented our friendships and birthed a very genuine connection. Women seem to get that in a way men refuse to let themselves.

But when you’re a teenager and the dude who primarily hangs with girls, this translates into meaning I was obviously closeted. “Girls love gay guys,” I literally overheard in a locker room when two football players thought I was out of earshot. Another one of them joked, “What a waste. They probably change in front of him and he doesn’t even get anything out of it.”

And no, I’m not gay, but this empty questioning of my sexuality (which was nobody’s business) just confirmed who I was comfortable spending time with: women.

Because I’m typically the guy in my group of friends, I’m usually approached for “the guy perspective.” I’m asked to analyze text messages or why that guy ghosted Michelle after a seemingly fun first date. Most of the time, I don’t have the answers. But there’s one thing that has become abundantly clear after years of hearing complaints from my friends about men and failed relationships.

Men who are secure with themselves won’t slut shame you.

A man who likes himself isn’t going to guilt you for posting a photo where you look sexy. He’s not going to demand you change your outfit before going out to a bar. He’s not going to look at other women and make inappropriate comments to his buddies.

A man who is comfortable with himself won’t need to have been your one and only in the bedroom. He’s going to realize you have a past, just like he does. Will he want sordid details? Of course not. Jealousy, to some degree, is normal in everyone. But he’s not going to expect you to be some chaste virgin who was waiting around for his royal penis.

If a guy makes you feel like shit about your sexuality, here’s the takeaway: don’t CHANGE your sexuality or how you express yourself, just forget that tool. Any man worth being with won’t make you feel badly about yourself.

Insecurity breeds a lot of ugly things. I think back to the way I was sometimes teased in school and realize it was insecurity. Not in me, but in those who targeted me. My male peers were insecure that I had all these friends who were girls, like I had unlocked some secret to female companionship.

You know the secret? Treat women like human beings. That’s it.

Guys who know this mind numbingly simple secret aren’t the ones calling girls sluts or whores. They don’t need to knock someone down a peg to feel superior. Why? Because they don’t need to feel superior. They’re comfortable exactly where they are.

Hold out for a guy like that. They exist. I promise. TC mark

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