I got raped and I don’t remember it.

I was in New York visiting my sister about a year ago. At a bar we went to I was asked by an older, attractive man if I wanted a drink, and unsuspectingly I said yes.

As each sip of alcohol stung my throat I crept into a foggy reality. My head spun, the man’s face shifted into a vague silhouette and the music pounded into my head as if someone was trying to wake me up.

As hours passed through the night I began to become more and more detached from the world around me. In my memory I have distant flashes of a staircase, a flower vase, and the sight of the city passing by me as I blindly stared through the window of a taxi cab.

I was gone.

I got raped and I don’t remember it, yet it still affects me every single day.

I find myself inventing possible scenarios. I run through the night from start to finish as I lie in bed at night. I have blamed myself for being careless. I have begged for my mind to recall the night’s activities. I want answers that I know I will never be able to get.

I am a rape victim – but that doesn’t define who I am, and if you have experienced this too, this shouldn’t define who you are. I have unanswered questions, vague memories that I am reminded of often, and the burden of knowing I will probably never find out the truth.

That being said, ever since this incident I have felt more in control than ever before. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t hurt. And it doesn’t mean that I am okay with what happened in any sense. While it is confusing to me as well, the pain that has come from this has allowed me to love and feel so much harder. Through all of the confusion and the pain and the questioning, I am able to understand what a true relationship feels like more sincerely than I did before.

Everyone’s story is different – this is mine. I was raped and I don’t remember it. After this happened, I forgot how to hope until I allowed myself to confront it all and consequently learn more about who I am. I don’t know what yours looks like, but if you can relate to this in any kind of way, know that there is a silver lining to every dark story, it just might take some time to see it.