I thought I always knew what I would do in this situation. However, life never prepares you for when this does happen to you.
When I found out I was pregnant, I never thought I would be confused – I thought I would know exactly what I would do. I knew given where I was in life, I was not ready for a baby – but that instant, I also found out that I was capable of loving someone so incredibly much. At that moment, I realized that no one can ever love you as much as your mother, because I fell in love with the little purple cross that showed that I was creating life inside me. I cried, not knowing whether I was so happy to have you inside me or sad that I had such limited time with you.
I prayed it was not true because how could I let go of someone so close to my heart and soul?
The love that I have for you will never fade and I do not ever remember loving someone so much. You taught me what true love is, which I never knew of before. At the same time, I have the fear of the world – what would they say? What would I say?
I knew I did not have the strength to fight for you and me together. I knew I could not stand up for you, not now.
I still imagined what you would look like. You would be the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I knew seeing you would make up for all the pain in the world. But right now, I couldn’t give you the life you deserved because I would want to give you the best of everything. Maybe your father will never know you even existed, or if I told him – I am not sure he would want you to exist. Maybe he would thank me for making the decision that I did make, but he will never understand how much this would break me. For him, you are the result of a mistake – for me, you are a part of my life that will leave me too soon.
They told me you have a heart that beats, and that is when my heart truly broke. When I saw your first picture, I felt this pain in my heart that I had never felt before. My heart has been broken before, but after this it will never love the same way again. The love a mother has for her baby is stronger than any love in the world, and now I know that. I know what real love is.
Before I lose you, I am already mourning the loss of the most important person in my life; my own flesh and blood. I don’t know if you came into my life to say goodbye or if you came into my life to make it right. I will never know, and my tears will never stop.
I am walking around in my dreams looking for you, to meet you once. I wonder if I will see you when I am searching for you in my sleep. Will I always be looking for you because I never kept you with me when I could and now forever will I be wandering, trying to find you?
You could have been the light in my life and I stopped you from getting in. I am so sorry for making you pay for what I did.
I wonder where you will go, and if you will ever forgive me and come back. I will never feel peace inside me. I will carry this emptiness inside me that will never be filled; a void that could only be filled by you, but I let you go when I chose to say goodbye. No one will understand why I did what I did.
I am scared to go to sleep tonight because tomorrow I will lose you forever. I am only holding on to the few hours we have together wishing tomorrow never comes.
I am not who I used to be anymore, I do not even know who I am anymore. I miss you so much already. I am so sorry. Until we meet again…