Thank you for choosing to love me and for showing me how I deserve to be loved. You were never good with words, but you made up for it with actions and tremendous effort. You managed to make this awkward, insecure girl feel secure and deserving. You saw me and accepted me when I was 30 pounds heavier. You waited for me without complaint when I had other errands to do to make sure I had a ride to wherever I was going. Some friends who thought that you were too serious teased us because you were always so happy to see me. For some reason, I just never failed to make you smile. Yes, even I, the most oblivious person in the world noticed that, the little boy smile, the twinkling of the eyes. No one ever seemed to be so happy just by seeing me.
What I love the most was how comfortable and honest you were with me. You were a breath of fresh air.
I miss your beautiful smile, your corny jokes. I miss you being a gentleman, always making sure you crossed the street with me and making sure I was never left alone. I miss how you used to tell me everything. I miss you messaging me at 3am to tell me about the dream you just had. I miss you singing for me and how shy you looked the first time you did.
You were my dream. The love I waited forever for.
I just hope you never had the insane idea of letting me go when you thought you were spoiled goods and had nothing to offer. Spoiled goods and nothing to offer, those were the very words you chose to describe yourself when you found out you had an inoperable brain tumor and they broke my heart. I still wish to this day that you had let me stay beside you and that you had given me a chance to go through the worst with you. I told you I loved you and I didn’t mean it lightly. I fought for you but you left me no choice. I understand the reason now and a part of me is grateful. My world didn’t end when you died. Your death was devastating and my world shook but it didn’t crumble. It’s still a bit fragile now but I know I will be okay. Your letting go is the reason I am still here, able to live, able to laugh, able to look forward to tomorrow.
Thank you for promising me, even when you were already blind and there seemed little hope, that you would continue to do your best to get better and fix our problem. I held on to that promise and I wanted to tell you that I’d wait for you. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to cause you stress so I just silently made that promise to myself.
Thank you for the beautiful love story, for the wonderful memories.
They are not as many as I would have wanted but they are all I have now and I will cherish them forever. Thank you for letting me spend time with you during the last year of your life, for sharing a portion of your journey with me. They are some of the most beautiful and powerful moments of my life. You inspired me with your strength, your patience and how hard you worked to get better.
Thank you for helping me realize what I’m worth as a person, that I should never settle. If someone as amazing as you can care so much about me, then I must be worth so much more than I thought. Thank you for choosing to break my heart to give me a better future. Thank you, simply for being who you were. You are more than worth the forever I waited for and the years of love and heartache we endured. I love you.