Thought Catalog

What He Did To You Doesn’t Define Who You Are

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via Unsplash - Sergey Zolkin
via Unsplash – Sergey Zolkin

“I didn’t realize you were having such a rough time still” she said “you always seem like you’re doing so well.”

I can’t be angry. You can’t blame someone for thinking you’re better, especially when I’m acting like I’m better.

And it’s easy for people to forget, they see you fake a smile and laugh and make a joke and think to them selves “she seems fine.” It gets to a point where they don’t think about it at all. They forget.

And that never crosses your mind, because you can never forget.

You could never forget waking up in a bathroom, heavily sedated. You could never forget seeing your underwear pushed to the side, your bra hanging limply off your arms, and your body hoisted on the bathroom ledge to keep you up. You can’t forget that feeling the drugs had on you, the ones you didn’t realize had been slipped in your drink, how they made you feel like you were underwater. The world was blurry, your lungs full, nothing made sense. How did you get here? Where are your friends? What day is it? You could never forget noticing the used condom on the ground, or noticing there was someone in front of you, and he was rolling on another one. You can’t forget the look in his eyes when he told you “don’t worry, I’ve got you.” And you could never forget the fear as he tried to choke the life out of you, so many times you were unconscious for more of it than you were alert. Focusing on your breath, struggling to keep breathing, never knowing when you closed your eyes, if they would ever open again.

They saw the bruises, they saw the scars, and those have long healed. “You seem like you’re doing just fine”

But the scars from those memories may never heal.

You’re alive, despite how you thought that night would end, you’re alive. And 6 months later the few who know assume you’re “fine.”

But you’re not.

One day though, you might be.

One day those smiles and laughs won’t all be fake. One day they’ll be real, and there will be more good days than bad, and the sparkle you put on to fool the world will be who you really are again.

So keep faking. Keep faking and keep pretending, because soon you won’t just be fooling them or yourself. You’ll truly mean it.

Just don’t let your pretending keep you from feeling what you need to feel, let it all out when the time comes, but in the mean time keep pretending. Convince yourself it’s ok, until it is. Don’t let him make you scared of the world. It’s still such a beautiful place, and there’s still so much to see.

He took so much away, don’t let him take anything else. Believe your happy ending still exists, and it will.

Remember darling, you’re alive! So live. TC mark

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