How did our relationship get like this? What went wrong to cause all this chaos and havoc going on inside my brain?
I’ve spent my life trying to help people, give to others, do the right thing…. Yet, here I am, being my own worst enemy.
I know I deserve better, but you hurt me so good. Somewhere inside me I think I deserve the cruelty and the abuse. You’ve convinced me that I don’t deserve more, and all I am good for is my exterior.
What I’m feeling inside doesn’t count or matter. What I need isn’t important, as long as everyone else is happy. You went all the way. How attractive are those scars on your wrists, hm? You tried to kill me! So many times you pushed me towards the drawer with the pills or the razor blade or the rope. Even I know I didn’t deserve that sort of treatment.
We don’t live in a fair and just world, but when it comes to my life, I should have some say. You don’t get to make all the decisions around here. What do I have to do to gain back control?
When those tools didn’t work, you decided it was time to be even more proactive and go right for my weak point: my weight. All my life I had been terrified of gaining weight, but I had balance. I worried, but I ate, and I took care of myself. Now I can’t even go to a grocery store without panicking. I want food, I want to be healthy, but I have put so many limits on myself. No dairy or meat, no carbs or sugars, no snacks or candy.
Finally I made some choices and allowed myself a couple bananas and some carrots, maybe an apple if I was real good all week. That was it – who am I kidding – that is it. That’s still my cut off. Anything over that is extraneous and has to be purged. Yes, I even listened when you told me to rid of the things I had already tried to feed myself. Right down the toilet, because I didn’t do anything to deserve that extra handful of berries. Listen, I did deserve it! I was on the treadmill for an hour! That’s over 1,000 calories. Not to mention the weightlifting and regular caloric loss throughout the day. That means I’m losing about twice as many calories a day more than I take in. You and I both know that’s not healthy, that’s not beneficial, and that’s not ME.
Stop trying to impersonate me and steal my identity. I am a smart, independent woman who is IN CONTROL. Who are you?? But… aren’t the compliments nice? When people tell me I look great, to keep up the good work, that they’re so impressed with how hard I work and how much effort I put into looking good and being healthy. I’m just so healthy, aren’t I? After all, I’m not malnourished and underweight. Even my blood tests come up fine! My teeth and bones aren’t deteriorating yet. My head isn’t balding.
But please, give me a break. I’m so tired. I’m hungry and tired. My head hurts, my stomach, my throat. I’m scared to food shop, go to restaurants, meet up with friends, go on dates – all I ever think about is food and exercise. Exercise and food. Fexercise and Ood. I can’t even concentrate, and I’m always so cold!
There is no reason I should feel envious when I see videos and read articles about women getting sick from their eating disorders. I shouldn’t be jealous when someone successfully harms themselves. Despite losing my menstruation, the negative thoughts aren’t gone; the desire to disappear is as strong as ever.
The depression that envelopes the real me is suffocating. Am I unhappy? No. I appreciate everything. I love sunsets and puppies and pretty flowers. I enjoy fireplaces and deep conversations and spending time with my family. Everything around me is incredible, and I’m so glad to be alive and enjoying the world. However, YOU are ruining my life.
Stop interrupting my optimism, hopes, and dreams. I have so many that I plan to fulfill. I will fulfill them, so stop slowing me down. As much as I appreciate a challenge, you’re just treating me poorly.
No more excuses, you don’t get to do this to me anymore. I was raised better than that.
I have passions, too, and they’re much more worth my time and effort than the work it takes to obsess over how I will shorten my life a bit more. You talk a big game, but you’re nothing. I am so much more and I am bigger than you, and that ray of light inside me will overpower you. I will never surrender, despite what power you think you have over me. I realize it won’t be easy, and I don’t expect change overnight, but I’ll win and you’ll see just how amazing and tough I am. Don’t think this is over, the battle has just begun. Bring on your worst, Self, I’ll never be afraid to fight back.