Morning. Lately I have been feeling detached from everything I used to see so dear to me. My laptop, for instance, is now my enemy. Yesterday I caught myself staring at it, doing nothing neither useful nor entertaining for over two hours. The problem is though, whatever I can think of turning my head towards feels as useless and dull as whatever is or not inside my laptop, which makes it clear to me in the light of my life philosophy that I must be the one who is empty.
My friend who believes in the power of moon and signs thinks the reason we feel so frozen, in the air this week is because we are at the end of a circle. She told me all about her theories on Christmas Day when her, a Jewish American and I, a Turkish theist were the only people walking in the streets of Berlin, in the universe, in our moment. (We were not drunk) It made perfect sense. My emptiness immediately took off, passed the silence, held her theory in itself and broke out of eternity. At least for that moment.
The satisfaction of closing a circle made everything that is left in it worthwhile –or let’s say the idea of closing a circle made the idea of satisfaction possible, since we are not even there yet. But when an idea is put in words it transforms into feelings and feelings trigger memories and expectations, just as much it is the other way around.
Last year, on the 31st of January I was in Istanbul, celebrating with my childhood friends. In the morning of the new year I got on a plane to Berlin, my home and here everything I thought I knew about myself, my life, the world and human nature started changing drastically from day one.
Leonard Cohen died this year. So many bombs exploded in my homeland. My heart is now frozen. I wrote more than I ever did, but it’s not enough. I told my first big lies. Someone told me it means I am finally a grown-up. I still did not graduate though. I am not sure about what I am or who I will become in the years to come. (It’s fine)
I used to believe I could fill in the blanks with words but this year every word I have heard, read or said brought new questions with it, which I will most likely never be able to answer.
Do you ever feel the same?
Once upon a time, there was a boy or a man named Sisyphos who made a mistake and pissed off the wrong Gods. They punished him by dooming him to carry the heaviest rock in the world up and down the highest mountain forever and ever. At first, people were horrified by the cruelty of the punishment of Gods. Sisyphos could not stop crying. He wanted to kill himself and end his misery so many times, but he was not able to. It was a part of his punishment. So he stopped trying. Then he stopped crying. People stopped feeling for him. But forever is here and now. Somewhere, someone is suffering terribly since and until eternity and this is the way it will always be.
A word being a true answer, a circle being complete – complete, life having a meaning which does not lose it’s meaning, the way some things work ever changing are only myths. But it doesn’t change the fact that they can be told, listened, felt and refreshing.
So Happy New Year dear stranger, friend, Sisyphos, the internet. Let us just be for another year, and repeat.