I always imagined what it would be like to fall in love, to fall heart first into something passionate and real. I imagined the first meeting, the awkwardly perfect first date and first kiss. The fast fall and then the slow progression into a life with another, I never imagined what it would be like to fall out of love.
I imagined a life with you, a future. It was all I had wanted. It was real, passionate and beautiful. We fell quickly and all at once. You had a generous, big heart and green eyes that made me melt. All of our flaws accepted. We were steadily and genuinely happy. And then it started, the slow demise, completely opposite of how it happened.
At first, it was worries and thoughts here and there, and then it turned into conversations with friends. I feared I would outgrow you. All my aspirations and dreams you had supported, rushing into me. And there you were, along for the ride. But I wanted someone to combine my ride with. I wanted you to want more for yourself. For months, I tried to fight what I was feeling, trying to keep myself in love. But what I came to realize was that I loved you still, but no longer in the way you wanted. I was not in love you. I loved your kind heart, soul and the ways you helped me to grow. You are my best friend.
I never imagine falling out of love, the irony of the backwards timeline. It was like ice melting, slowly and then all of a sudden, gone.
I was planning on easing my way out. Maybe I was having an off few months. Then it hit me. Like the bottom of a burning candle, forgotten to be blown out. I shattered. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t return your “I love you”. I ended it abruptly, I suppose. But then again, I feel as though I gave you hints along the way.
I never imagined breaking your heart. It was pain I never imagined feeling, worse than my first heartbreak. I never imagined being on this side of the fence with you. But I guess that this is the side of love I never imagined. The side movies are not made of. The side talked about in hushed whispers.