I miss you. I miss when you wedged yourself between the couch, the couch meant for one, and me, and I leaned on you, in your arms, as we watched YouTube videos together. I miss how you always kept a part of us connected, with our legs touching, or our elbows fighting for space on the armrest, even when you were having a conversation with someone else.
I miss how you held your hand behind your back, beckoning for me to hold it. I miss laying on your chest and falling asleep to the sound of your steady heartbeat. The space between us always felt too far, even though our arms and legs were already intertwined.
The initial few weeks after we ‘ended,’ everything replayed in my mind in such detail, it was so suffocating. But now, I’ve realized I’ve forgotten some details. I don’t even have pictures of us. All I can rely on are my memories.
And I’m slowly forgetting these memories. It’s like grabbing sand. They just keep slipping through, and that hurts like a bitch. I guess people would think that slowly forgetting these random special moments is a good sign, it means I’m moving on.
But no, what I have is this dull feeling in my heart. It just feels like we never happened.
Whenever I tried to confide in you, it always seemed like you dismissed it, trying to change the subject. You never asked. It seemed like you never did care. I don’t even expect you to ask from the the standpoint of a lover. Just as a friend. We were the closest, but look where we are now.
God, I really miss you so much. That night while we were lying under the stars, there were at least two shooting stars. I wished that we wouldn’t end so soon. Now I know wishes on shooting stars don’t work.
Every day I prayed to God, thanking Him for putting you in my life. I thanked Him for helping me see why it didn’t work out with the previous one. But now, I don’t see why anymore.
It ended so abruptly, and I struggle with understanding why I was given that glimpse of happiness, only to have it taken away from me so quickly. We’ve met in a group a few times since then. Each time, I honestly felt like shit because I was being disregarded again. But it was worse because I couldn’t go to you to seek refuge, like how I had been doing in the past. Instead, you were another reason why I had to seek refuge.
It’s so heartbreaking, when your umbrella becomes your rain.
Still, a stubborn part of me wishes that we’re currently at a comma, not a full stop. You were an asshole with how you handled things, but I still truly wish you would be happy, and that your heart fully heals soon.
Just know that there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about you. Not a day that I don’t wish I was seeing your name light up on my screen again.
Not a day that I don’t wish I could smother you with kisses again. I never said it to you. But thank you for being my shelter then. You never said a thing, but your presence alone was always more than enough. And just in case you’re wondering, I’m doing okay. Of course, some days feel like everything is against me. But on the whole, I’m doing okay. Just in case you’re wondering, just in case you care. If you care.