This feeling, this overwhelming feeling that eats me away every second I spend awake. I have tried, and failed so many times, for so many years, to forget you. To let you go. To walk away from you and never turn back; because I know you could never love me, or because you could never bring yourself to give me a chance to love you.
How could I feel so much while you feel nothing at all?
Why did I even fall in love with you? Maybe it’s because you’re funny, charming, and just so damn cute. I was just a teenage girl when you first bumped into me in school and smiled – oh that smile you gave me, I will never forget. I remember being the silly school girl with a crush on you. You were funny, you made people laugh, you were always happy, and I guess that made me drawn to you.
You always knew what to say to me, how to cheer me up, without even trying.
I am a girl that builds a wall around myself and puts on a tough act. I don’t know how to express my vulnerable side, I masked my fears and emotions with what you called “ego.” Yet when you look at me, when you talk to me, you totally wreck my walls…without even trying. And I hate you for that.
No matter which guy I’m in a relationship with, I always end up back here, thinking of you.
I went through horrible relationships. Relationships I thought would get my mind off you, relationships that I didn’t expect to happen and especially that one relationship that broke me, completely. And through all those times you were there. When my relationships crashed and burned, you were there to comfort me.
Yet despite all these years, all the intimate moments we shared, you keep me at bay, you say it isn’t love.
If you don’t love me why do you always answer my 3 am calls knowing I’m just drunk and upset?
If you don’t love me why do you listen to all my ramblings?
If you don’t love me why did you worry so much when I was drunk and stuck with my ex?
If you don’t love me why do you hate seeing my cry?
If you don’t love me why do you hate the guys I was in a relationship with?
If you don’t love me why do you share all your feelings, emotions, and sadness with me?
If you don’t love me why do you pretend to tease me when people are around and hide your true self?
If you don’t love me why do you always fight to get my attention?
If you don’t love me why do you hide your girlfriend from me?
If you don’t love me why do you reach out to hold my hand when we’re alone?
If you don’t love me why do you always look at me when I turn away?
If you don’t love me why do I feel a spark when you look at me?
If you don’t love me why do you put me through hell with your mixed signals?
If you don’t love me…. do you really not have even the slightest bit of love for me?
If you don’t love me, I will walk away from you.
Because I refuse to stay in this “friendship.” We are more than friends, yet less than lovers. You have a checklist of what your “perfect girl” should be like. She has to be hot, pretty, skinny, and popular. Yet every single one of those girls has broken your heart. And I was there by your side listening to you tell me what happened with that sad look on your face. I remember thinking how stupid they were for leaving a guy like you. For not loving and cherishing you.
Despite all that, you still stick to your list. And no, I am not hot, pretty, skinny, or popular.
What I am is just an average girl that would have given you the world.
But you’re not ready for that. Not ready for me. Not ready for my love. I’m starting to doubt if you’ll ever be.
Maybe I misunderstood you, misunderstood your affection for love. None the less, I think it’s time I stopped loving you and started loving myself. It’s time I let you go.
Thank you for being the one guy that always understood me, comforted me, and made me laugh, even in the darkest of times. You are a gem of a guy, I hope you find the girl of your dreams, live a blessed life full of love and happiness.
Maybe in another life I would be your girl.