Letting You Go Was My Biggest Mistake

I’m hurting.

I knew that you leaving would be tough, but I had no idea that I would feel this way. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about you. The last time we spoke your response was cold. Not telling me that you loved me back felt like a dagger going through my heart.

I can’t turn my brain off. I think about how safe I felt falling asleep in your arms and how good it was to see your face when I woke up. I think about all the amazing times we’ve had and how alive you made me feel.

Letting you go was a mistake.

I keep going back to the conversation we had at that little Italian restaurant when we discussed what we’d be after you left. I regret not fighting for us to stay together. I keep remembering when we were in your room and you sang Bonfire Heart to me, and how in that moment I felt so complete. I regret not offering to come with you to the UK. I regret not asking you to come with me to New York. I regret accepting that we were going to be 6,000 miles away from each other and not even attempt to make it work. I regret doing nothing.

I said to you when we first got together that I don’t date just to date. Our relationship wasn’t just a phase for me, and I realize now it’s not something I’m willing to walk away from or chalk up as a loss.

Since the day we met you have made me the happiest man on the planet. No matter what happened or what fight we had, I’ve never been able to stay mad at you for more than an hour. I find myself checking whatsapp to see if you’re on your phone, hoping the status changes from “online” to “typing…”

Not being with you and not talking to you, feeling like you don’t want to talk to me, is making me feel so incredibly small. I miss you so much and this realization is hitting me like a freight train.

At this point, I’m willing to do anything to make us “us” again.

I’m willing to try long distance for a while. I’m willing to quit my job and move to England. I’ll call Ina Garten myself and have her bake you a cake with the words “Be Mine” written in frosting. I would memorize the scene from Grey’s Anatomy where Meredith begs Derek to choose her and reenact it for you in front of a crowd of people.

I recognize that we’re young, but I don’t care. I am confident you are someone I want to build a future with. I know you’re excited to start a new chapter of your life and go back to school, but I need you to know; the rough draft of my next chapter still has you written in and featured as a main character.

I know this letter is a lot, but the last thing I want is to wake up in 5 years and realize I let you walk out of my life without even putting up a fight.

For now, the ball is in your court. I need to know where your heads at, I need you to tell me what you’re feeling. If I’m alone in the way I feel, so be it. I can handle it. If that’s the case I need you to tell me you’re moving on, so I can start to do the same.

It doesn’t have to be complicated. I love you with everything I have, the rest we can figure out along the way.